YOU (pt. 6)
The depth of emotions and thoughts I have about you every waking moment.
I just want to give you all of it. All of my love, all of me. I want one thing; one person to give all my love too. I know that it'll grow into something bigger like a family. I want to love you on days you cannot bear your own thoughts and emotions. I want to know your love language. I want to love you so endlessly, so fucking endlessly. I'll love you more than anyone else. I want to love you correctly.
When it's real, it just runs deep. That's all I have to offer to be honest. I can only offer you my wrath of love, connection with different aptitudes of different neutrons of something that doesn't even belong in this dimension. I have A LOT and maybe TOO much love left inside my cold soul and broken heart. It's still healing. It'll continue to heal over time and break in some arrangements. I will still love you like the first time in the next millisecond, the next day, month, year and many more years after that.
I will love you until my time is up on this planet. The day I walk down that aisle to you, the day we get our first home together, the first time I give you my crazy nappy ass hair Virgo kids. The day you first lay your eyes on our kids. That's the day I'll know that I've been really in love with you. I know the kind of parents I want our kids to have. I want to be everything our parents weren't to us. I refuse to let you or them go to bed sad, upset, depressed and wondering why you guys were never good enough.
Sometimes I live in my head so much that I tend to overlook your emotions and wellbeing. I've been selfish and greedy again. I don't want anyone else to have you or give you love when I'm already doing that for you. You're supposed to be all mine, you're supposed to be my soulmate. My best friend, lover, rider and my everything. I don't want to share you with anyone else.
Call me toxic but I'm crazy about you. I don't want anyone else, I don't want anything else but you. I miss you so much all the time. It's crazy that my emotions would be out of wack again. I've shut my humanity switch off for a long time. It's been on and off the last year or two. But then you came around. It all came back, a spike of emotions and thoughts. Our hearts and minds intertwine. Sometimes I get the urge to be annoying and blow up your phone.
I feel emotions all over my body, I know and I can sense things are wrong with you. I feel it. It's not an illusion or idea. You're the only thought that comes to mind. When I'm awake, I'm constantly thinking about your health, your sanity and most importantly your safety. I always want to know if you made it from point A to point B. I cannot wait until the day I come home to you.
You accept all parts of me. You baby me. And that's all I wanted from another human was to love me the way I want to be loved too. Not even that, you respect me as a person. You love everything about me. You support my pursuit of happiness. The goals I have in mind. You love everything about me as much as I do. You believe in me. But you also process everything I say. You actually care enough to ask me what's wrong or if I'm okay.
I never met anyone that was so quick to express how they feel about me so quickly. And you know me. You know that I love passion, fire and adrenaline. Love feels like a drug. Even when we're fighting, I don't even want to talk to anyone else about you, I want to talk to you about you. I just want you to love you. I want you to love your flaws the way I do.
I'm a hard ass. I still have communication skills I need to work on. I tend to get angry and upset when things don't go in order or my way. I'm a perfectionist and with love, it's not about things being perfect. It's about it being so imperfect that makes it perfect. You've done nothing wrong. You gave me so much love, attention, and affection. Yet it scares me shitless and I run away. I push you away. I push you away.
Truth is, I'm just scared that you'll leave me like everyone else. I'm just scared that one day you won't love me the same anymore. I'm scared you'll just get tired of me like everyone else. Everyone loves the idea of me but no one knows how to deal with how I am as a person. That's the thing that sucks most. That's what have always sucked about being so loving and giving. It's just who I am as a person.
I'm scared once you know the ennoble things I've done, you'll fall out of love with me even though it was the past. Even though I'm scared of loving again and being loved. That's all I want. Deeply inside of me, somewhere, a piece of me craves it more than anything else. Aside from wanting respect and loyalty. Love also runs deep. It's just a scary factor to think about. I've never been loved. Not comely anyway. I don't want half of it or portions of it. I want all of your love just like how you got mine.
I never had anyone give me what you are giving me now. Being vocal about how you feel. Our love makes me feel even happier and more whole. This love feels good. It feels so good to be loved by you. It feels so good to be able to be deeply rooted to one person. It feels so fucking good to tune into one person. I like to have my fun, yes. But that doesn't mean I'm going to embarrass you, humiliate you or make you look like a fool. I will always be loyal to you. Faithful to you because you've shown me loyalty and respect from your end. So yes, you have all of me. Always and forever, all for eternity.
Good morning world. 💙