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Blame Me (pt.1)

Never really had any regrets from a youngin' until now. I really think about how I never endured as much pain as I did in my recent years because of you.

Eleven years of pain, suffering, depression, anixety, bpd, and sucidal tendacies never equate to the pain you brought me. And I'm trying to heal every single part of me that you broke. Every good part of me that you robbed me out of. Every ounce that was good left inside of me, you took it and just ran.

If I was truly loved by God or the universe, why did they put you in my path of life? Is this my punishment? What did I do so badly in my past life that I'm left to deal with these consequences? The person who was supposed to protect me from pain and suffering caused it most.

Money can be remade and it'll always come back. But the love, the genuinely efforts and time is something I'll never get back.

I don't believe the saying "how can you love someone else if you can't love yourself" look at how capable I was. Of loving you. But you couldn't love me back. I've never felt so low the way I did until I met you. Until you robbed me the three years of my prime. I could've been done with school by now. I could've been married and already had kids with someone who was worth my time. And truly deserved the best version of me.

Instead I spent all that time trying build someone up for someone else. I molded you into a better version of myself just so you can be a better me for someone else. You can call me selfish all you want but at the end of the day you knew how many hearts I healed while mine was already broken. You taught me that people view loyalty as a burden. The most valueble thing you've ever taught me is no matter how good of a person I can be that it won't ever matter.

You dimmed my light, made my spark become weaker by the second any time I was with you. You taught me isolation is the fond in my dark beauty. You made me feel so fucking alone that I had no choice but to be alone. I shouldn't have to feel alone whilst being with someone I loved with all of me. You never spared my feelings. Not like you ever had to. You didn't even respect me, nor did you love me. You didn't even like me. You were actually my worst love. You hated how much of a social butterfly I am and how easily I can make friends and resonate with everyone.

Just like everyone else, you thought I was too good to be true. So you did what you do best. Bit the hand that literally fed you. Nurtured you back to health; healed all of you. Battled your demons with you. I really gave you my all. I gave you every fucking thing when I had nothing. Ironic ain't it? I healed every wound that was inflicted on to you by others while you left me to deal with mine. I had to heal us both. How was I healing and hurting same time I was with you?

You don't even remember any details of me. Not the way my lips curl when I laugh or smile. You don't even remember my shoe size, my favorite greenery. My favorite shows or movies. I remember everything about you. What your triggers are, how you look when you sleep. Everything you ever made me feel and maybe that's just who I am. I knew you better than you know yourself but you can't even remember what I ate that day.

I truly hope and pray that all that pain you brought to me will one day turn into an abundance of love and purity from someone who values me. Not for me but as a fucking person, as a human being. I pray that one day you'll look back and remember the graceful woman I am with sirenity. And I had nothing but pure intentions for you. I would've went to war for you, literally rip the clothes off my back for you.

You showed me a reflection of me as well, you shown me that I wasn't completely healed when I met you. That I still have childhood traumas I still need to work through. In the midst chaos of you and your tragedy, it taught me all the pain you made me feel was exactly how I felt as a child. I found peace in that. Feelings invalidated, shunned out and pushed away. Neglect. You showed me every negative emotion, reaction; play by play. The trauma bond was so strong that it weaken me.

Mentally, emotionally and psychically. My mind, body and soul was rotting because I saw something bloomingly beautiful in you.

How fucking naive and stupid could I have been, by devoting my blind loyalty to you.

I cannot stop replaying all the fucked up shit you've said to me. All the terrible things you've done to me to the point where I'd have nightmares about how awful you treated me. For the first two years into our relationship, I spent more time crying myself to bed than I spent smiling.

Because of you, I got sober for the most part. Not because I wanted to but it's because I needed to. Your addictions. It made it so hard for me to even enjoy anything with you. The more I got to know you and who your true character was, the more disgusted I felt. It truly amazes me that you never fail to surprise me. When I think it can't get worse, it became a remix demo.

I was fucking there, I was fucking there dammit! Not a friend, none of your family members gave a fuck about you enough to vouch for you or root for you. IT WAS ALL ME.

You got sober because of me, everything you have in your name now is because of me. Not a simple appreciation. Not even thinking of me to be better for. I provided, I was the provider in every fucking aspect. That's how you gon do me? I was the fucking wife before even being asked to be one. But in your eyes I was the fucking mother, the therapist, the maid, the private chef, the everything. But you never put me in the position to be better. And you expect me to perform like a fucking porn start after exhausting me every fucking day for years. HOW?

You can't even roleplay with me through out the day and make me want you. And you expect me to be laid out with my cheeks spread apart after treating me like shit?

You took advantage of the situation I was in. Moving to a completely different city and state for you. Ain't that some shit though? I've established myself further in those three years in YOUR city and state. Meanwhile you been here your whole life and you haven't gotten shit together.

I've never been one to feel like I was better than the next but I'mma talk my shit because I have every right to. You had me in your corner which should be more the reason for you to do right by me and put me in a safe space of being. But no you taught me how to do everything on my own while being with someone. I'm used to it really. You'd do less than the bare minimum then throw it in my face. That's not a man! And I shouldn't have to teach a man how to be a man.

What's funny is that you think you can run game on me; someone who had none but mad love for you. Thinking you'd fill all your empty voids with drugs, alcohol and bitches that will never even be half of me. What's funnier is people were glad I left you. You never deserved me. You never deserved my love or a love like mine. How you fumble someone once in a lifetime? You never brought joy, you were the thief of it. All you did was stressed me the fuck out. I shouldn't have to feel like I need to be toxic. Or feel like I have to control or try to prevent you from cheating on me. You found every way around it. It's like I was yelling and yet you didn't hear me. I told you all my wounds, scars and triggers and you still turn around and turned on me.

You switched up cuhz. You fucking folded. It was you. It has always been you that fucked up. And it was me for always believing that you'll change or get better. It was my inner child for hanging on to the bit of hope I still had left. You dropped literally gold for dusties. The reality of it is, I can't stop a bad person from wanting to be a bad person. And ain't shit changed. If you wanted to, you would've done so the moment my eyes caught on to yours when you wanted to pursue me.

Instead you love bombed the shit out of me. And gaslit me the entirety of our relationship.

I pray you find whatever the world lacked in giving you and took from you. I pray that you truly heal from everything that broke you. I pray that you find somebody that can give you what I couldn't. I pray you find happiness and peace at the end of the dark tunnel. I pray that you don't bleed your own projections on the next person who only wants to love you.

I pray that one day I'll completely heal from you and forget all the pain you put me through. I pray one day I'll forgive myself for not knowing better at the time for fucking with you. I pray one day all the tears I yearned for you will be repaid with smiles and laughs with someone who adores me. I pray one day I'll meet someone who loves my love languages. And instead of complaining "how do you show me love, by cooking for me." They would be grateful that, that's how I show love. I pray that you losing me will be someone else's gain one day.

One day I will meet the person of my dreams and they'll check off all the boxes that you were red flags of. I wouldn't have to lower my standards, negotiate or pick and choose which parts I want in a partner and don't. One day I'll meet someone as intelligent as me that can arouse me with they way they communicate and control their emotions.

I used to think being loyal and having respect for someone was the standard. But it's literally the bare mimuim. If I'm not drowning in your love, what is the point?

So blame me, for not knowing better and doing better.


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