I wanted to make a vlog and explained my side of the story. But knowing what I know, it's easier to write the words rather than saying them. I'm tired of remembering every bad thing people have put me through. About two years ago, I made a choice to leave my past life behind. When I first moved to a different state, I couldn't stop re-reading all of the hateful texts I received from my "family" and "friends". Everyone called me selfish, thought I was on drugs or just called me a compulsive liar. Saying I manipulate what they say when the texts were on both of our screens.
I wish I can just erase those emotions and memories but they're instilled into me. I remember being hospitalized twice, coming here to a town I usually would visit in the summertime. The short road trip didn't end well. And I met someone who did a better job keeping me alive and made me feel loved as I never felt before. Feelings were intended. And they were intense. I remember getting all these texts, messages and phone calls being cussed and yelled at. God forbid me to give people the same energy they gave me.
My cousin said I was being mean and cussing at her first. If anyone manipulated the truth, it was her. When we were younger, she did the same thing-cussed me out first but told everyone I was cussing at her. Long and behold, everyone stopped talking to me. Even when she was hospitalized, her friends who caused it, were the people she still prioritize over her own blood. Saying she can't be around me because she constantly feels like she owes me something. We lived together at one point, I was drowning in sorrows. Any time I wanted someone to talk to and would try to vent to her, she'd say I'm responsible for my actions. I'm not responsible for how people choose to abuse me and neglect me.
When my "friends" and her talked to try to locate and find me, she told them how I lack decency because I used all her feminine products and coffee and never replaced them. Whenever I told her or asked, she said I don't have to replace anything. When I moved out, I replaced it. I don't what decency I was lacking because she and I both knew I would start a war and do anything for people I loved, no matter what the price was.
She really wanted me to come home to talk. When we lived together, its what I basically begged for. She openly admitted she wanted to work on our relationship because she felt bad for what she said about me to her "friends." Whatever that means. Long when this feud broke out, she said I was ungrateful for saying her family didn't help me when all I really said was her and her mom were never kind people to me. Who argues with their husband when he tries to move in his niece? After I moved out, and we made up; she blocked me. That's crazy.
It's funny how people always played victim and painted me as a villain. In every story I'm the bad guy. Months or even years later, they're always the one to apologize because I always try more, love more, care more. My intentions have always been pure. That part will be mentioned more towards the end.
My best friend- Uyen, one of them at the time, came down here with the "friend" that abandoned me, not his fault, told him too. He got angry when he was drunk, yelling and putting hands on me. My best friend and him came back here to Portland because well I was hospitalized twice. The second time, they were able to locate me because I didn't post anything crazy in a couple days. Uyen had told me, my other two best friends-to give context.. One of them I knew for over a decade, our friendship was always on and off. She will be another memoir I will write about. The other one was a guy I worked with then became friends with, really good friends. We grieved and mourn together. They didn't want to come and see me after being released even though Uyen said I needed moral support. I knew then that they were never my real friends. We were just locked in a trauma bond together.
If roles were flipped, I would do and travel no matter the limitations. What's even worse is the one I bonded with through loss with, is the reason I was okay with being abandoned in the first place because he said he'd come to get me or meet with me in a couple days. After all of that, when I did come back to Seattle to figure out my situation, I went to visit my decade long friend with Uyen and the person who abandoned me. At first we cried together and then she told me I couldn't stay because I brought my dog in. An argument came out, she said I could've died but didn't but that was always the case with Jenn. Every time I got mad with how she treated me, she would somehow come back and I would forgive her. When I was still in Portland, she texted me saying she didn't want me to come over because she didn't know if I caught anything (Covid 19) meanwhile she was having covid themed parties. A whole biohazard. I have many many stories to write about our dysfunctional friendship.
The guy who abandoned me, he told everyone that I was close to, to just read the things I post on here to understand-they all said they had better things to do.
But everyone's on their phone all day, no? When I was released from whatever disorder mania I was in, back in Portland, I watched everyones stories on snapchat and looked at their locations, everyone was happier. Was it me? Did I suddenly made it less easier to love me? Have I always a burden? I knew being stranded longer without charging my phone or checking in, not knowing all the risks I took, it wouldn't matter if I died or lived.
Two years later, this summer, Jenn messaged me but I didn't reply. What took so long to come to your senses? I know all those drugs will never fill the void that I once did. No one will ever be the light in the room as she remembers me to do. Another person I forgot to mention is Selena, now we were all friends at one point. I met Selena in high school, we were friends about three or four years at that point. It was odd because I always felt like the second option to her. Again another story to write one day. What threw me off is that when I came back to Seattle those two weeks, she was still talking to me. I remember vividly texting her on her birthday because I was finally settled into my new place in Portland. She read it, no reply. Another one towards the end of the month. Once again, read and left it on read. Always watched my stories, so it was awkward. After some time, I saw videos of Selena and Jenn just taking shots together. I felt betrayed because they never liked each other when I first introduced them. Selena never liked Jenn for the way she treated me. How she always did foul shit and Selena always saying she just wanted to fight Jenn. My following birthday that year, on the day of, Selena just unfollowed me on all social media after she made references to my old situation when I was left stranded. Guess who reacted and laughed at it? Jenn and Selena's boyfriend.
I don't understand.
Uyen and I talked about this a couple months ago when I came to visit her. She told me how fucked up it all is that they literally became friends to watch me fail. And were just laughing at my downfall. Ironic, isn't it? How do you talk about not liking someone and be laid up at their house calling each other best friends?
It feels almost freeing to finally speak on my side of the story. For a long time I didn't want to talk about it, I didn't want to think about the pain, I took years to put away. And there's so much I still haven't said. I want to be angrier, petty and get revenge but what loss did I really lose when those people weren't as valuable as I wanted and thought of them to be?
They might think they're freed from me but I am finally free from them. It was exhausting loving them. Selena was right about one thing: "you helped a lot of people and those people probably didn't even thank you."
That speaks volume.
How many people did I help, I fed, helped them get back on their feet, and literally healed? While they just watched me suffered and laughed. Who kicked me down even further while I was already down. I think I've suffered enough. The only suffering now is people have to mourn the old me. Do they think years will equate to an apology I wasn't given? No one will continue to get the same me twice. Had I focus on myself instead of others emotions and my emotions for them, I would've been further in this life.
I regret nothing but believing that those people could ever be genuine. I don't think they are capable.