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You (pt. 3)

I don’t want to move on, I don’t want anyone else. YOU see how comfortable I was with YOU. YOU see how happy I was with YOU and I don’t want to let go or move on. Guess I lied. I was in love once. This time around will be the second time. And YOU don’t get it. I flee every scenery when I feel emotions like this. I push people away, I run and I leave any chance I get. I’m scared of everything. My mind, my everything doesn’t know how to react when someone loves me back too.

YOU don’t understand how scared I am. I’m scared of YOU. YOU make me feel things I never even knew I was capable of feeling. YOU are so damn perfect. YOU always know what to say, YOU always know how to comfort me and make me feel better so how does that make me feel? I live a fast life and it always seems like I’m always on the move. I know that scares YOU. I know YOU. YOU don’t want to be replaced. YOU don’t want anyone else to have me if it’s not YOU. I know YOU. I know how YOU get.

But how do I stay friends with someone I’m so in awe of, in love with? When I’m with YOU, my problems just all disappear. I don’t think about anything else. All the problems, the past, the voices in my head just disappear. YOU don’t make me nervous when we’re out and about. Usually having OCD, I spend more time organizing my plate than talking to my date. With YOU, I actually cared enough about my well-being because it just means I’ll see YOU the next day. I take care of myself more because it just means I’ll live that much longer to be with YOU again.

After not talking to YOU for a week and just starting again got me feeling some type of way... it feels like the first time. Everything always feels like the first when it comes to YOU. When I’m with YOU, YOU make me feel like a kid again. Actually make me feel like I’m fulfilling the childhood I never had. I wish YOU can just understand how I feel about YOU. I wish YOU knew. Parts of me wants to try and give this a chance but parts of me are just scared.

I haven't had anything real in three years, there were flings but I was never truly happy or content the way I am, when I'm with YOU. No one was ever consistent enough for me to want a steady relationship with them. With YOU it had always had been patient. YOU actually wanted something real with me. I know parts of YOU are scared too. I'll admit, I never stay in one place long enough for anything. I am always looking for the next best thing and my love does cause people pain. Whatever that even means.

What YOU have to understand is I've settled for some half ass, wack ass people and relations. I'm at the point in my life where I just keep going even if it hurts, even if I don't want to. I have to keep going for me, right now I'm selfish because I have to be not because I want to be. If I give it my all and all fails then what? YOU've seen parts of me I never even showed anybody else. My really good side that I talk about but never actually show. YOU met me when all YOU knew me as was this fiend for Jameson... All I ever really talked about was not wanting anything with anyone because I want to work on myself and have my fun.

Then we spent more time together talking about our fears, insecurities; although YOU say YOU don't have any, it still shows by how YOU talk. By the way YOU express YOUrself. And I notice everything and I analyze and studied YOU before, then and now. I'm not a heartbreaker like YOU said. I don't break anyone's heart, at least not anymore. Not intentionally. YOU know that, YOU were always by my side and I've always been honest with YOU about everything. I was very open with YOU, I always have been.

Everyone was and is still rooting for YOU. They all think we're meant for each other but only time will tell. And I'm sorry for not being able to really say how sorry I am. For all the times I got mad at YOU, all the times I was angry and just mean. For the times I pretended not to care or be interested in YOU. I'm sorry—because I'm crazy about YOU. I just have a lot of flaws I need to work on; I need to stop getting upset when YOU're out and about with other people and be fair about everything.

I feel guilty for pushing YOU away because I was just afraid of getting hurt again. That was it. I didn't want to get hurt or attached. Or be abandoned once more. But YOU never left, not even once. YOU never gave up on me, it was always me that ran away. That pushed YOU away because I didn't want to talk about it. I never want to talk about things that are vain. I build walls around me, set high expectations for myself and others.

ESPECIALLY myself. I always wanted to be strong. I wanted the world and YOU to see that. I didn’t want to show YOU that one side of me that might’ve scared YOU away. Me nitpicking at my own flaws and everything else that I was and am still stressed about. I don’t talk about the things I’m going through until I’m done going through them.

Then it’s like: “oh I tried to kill myself the other day or I accidentally OD’D again, sorry about it.” I didn’t want YOU to feel responsible or just leave because I still have things to work on. And I’d rather go through it alone. I don’t think YOU’ll ever understand how hard it is for me to open up to anyone. Especially YOU. We are polar opposites. YOU’re always so happy and full of life, positivity.

I’m just me.

We can talk about things that bother me or that’s driving me mad but YOU’ll never understand the things I went through and am still going through. YOUr heart didn’t stop on YOU. It didn’t freeze in time because YOU lost loved ones back to back. It’s some heavy stuff for me to talk about and admit. I was really working on it. I want YOU to know me as a person, as an individual. But I also know that everything and everyone are only temporary. Everyone wants something in return or something from me.

That’s why I never opened up to YOU. But I know YOU read all my posts. I know YOU watch my silly YouTube videos of me just ranting and eating something. And in this life, in mine, things move rapidly. It’s even hard for me to keep up with myself. I know YOU mean well; I know YOU just want me to be happy with myself, my life, my goals, and my future. YOU just don’t understand that I want YOU to be part of it and just hold my hand as I build something bigger than all of us.

We met at a weird time, sure I was happy, sure I have everything going for me. I just wanted this time to be perfect. Right now it’s not. YOU haven’t even seen the real me yet. The me that’s all work and no play unless I’m passed out on the floor with a bottle in my hand after a long week.

There are so many sides of me that YOU haven’t even met. So many of them. The crazy spontaneous me that will hit YOU up at 4:00AM and ask if you want to drive to Oregon so we can watch the sunrise and buy voodoo donuts. And I somehow manage to book a really nice hotel. The side of me that’s family oriented but hide it from the world; side. All because I know how things and the streets work. If they know YOU, if they know what things and people mean most to YOU, they’ll just take it. Because they can.

I’ll never be completely be able to express how fond and how much I admire YOUr well-being. It’s because I want to protect YOU from my lifestyle. YOU have no idea. The things I want to experience with YOU for the first time. The nasty and dirty things I want to do to YOUr body. YOU have no clue... maybe just maybe, there are parts of me that deeply believe that we’ll find our ways back to each other. There are so many things we still need to teach each other. YOU teaching me to simply live and do regular human things, and me teaching YOU to live life as if it’s another sequel to the movies and shows I’ve watched.

I really want YOU to know me. Those sides of me. I know how good I can be, how loyal I can be—to YOU and only YOU. I’ll always remind YOU that YOU are loved on days YOU can’t do it for YOUrself. I’ll always be here on days where YOU don’t feel like YOUrself. I’ll always be for YOU.

I’m not ready for anyone until then. I don’t want to waste anymore time with anyone else. I get so easily distracted. No matter who I’m with, what I’m doing. I’m always thinking about YOU. Whether or not YOU’ve ate (usually you always are), if YOU slept okay, how YOU feel mentally and emotionally.

However, when timing is right, I’ll always come back to YOU. YOU’re home and I’m homesick.

Goodnight YOU. 💙

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