Selfish

Maybe I’m a little drunk and I’m feeling good. But I don’t think I’ll ever fall in love with anyone else if it ain’t me. For the first time, I see growth, I see worthiness. I see all the potential I have and how much progress I’m able to obtain without the burden of others. I cut ties with people who made me feel like shit. And it was the best damn thing I’ve done for myself in a long time. It wasn't even about people reciprocating energies or whatsoever. It was about appreciation. It was about respect. I did it all out of love. Shit went unrecognized. I was so exhausted. Drained out of happiness and humanity.


Truth is, no one gives a fuck about you unless you're dead or successful. No one’s gonna ride shit out for you unless it’s beneficial for them. Whether it’s financially, psychically or mentally. Some people are more greedy than others, they’ll just use you to fill the void of loneliness but never really love you. At the end of day, all I have is myself. And that’s fine, I was born alone and I will rise and die alone.

I genuinely enjoy being alone now. I used to be terrified of being alone. Now I feel at peace. I feel okay with being alone. I have more time to get things done without having anyone depending on me. Not everyone deserved to know the real me. Not everyone deserves me. I will never be too much for someone who can’t get enough of me. At times I feel like maybe I am too good for some people. I’m a loyal friend, lover and family member. I realize that the missing piece of love from my life was entirely me. I craved love so badly that I forgot to give it to myself. I forgot to love myself. For once in my life, eleven years later. I finally found the missing piece. Me. I don’t feel apologetic about it.

I deserve the fucking world and this world is mine. I will never apologize for who I am. It took me more than half a decade to realize how powerful it is to be an independent individual. I just stopped looking for closure. I stopped wondering where I went wrong with all the relationships I’ve had. What if it was never me? What if it was everyone else? It’s not my fault that people never learned how to fucking love. It’s not my fault that people have commitment issues. It’s not my fault that people have such ugly hearts to hurt me or put me through half the bullshit they did.

I am a damaged ass person, but I still have so much love left in me to give. And I feel bad for people who've done me wrong. Look at how capable I was of loving someone else. I got so much love inside of me to give. I ain’t about to waste it on just anyone. It‘s not my fucking job to heal or fix people. Especially when they don’t even want to fix what’s already broken within themselves.


All this growth, all the changes I made with just baby steps... it made a significant difference. For once, I see myself the way all the good people in my life do. I’m glowing, growing. I decided to pick and choose me, I haven’t looked back since then. I appreciate myself, I’m the realist one on my own team. I was the one who wiped my own tears, I was the one who got up everyday fighting for the life I have now. All the effort and hard work, dedication and patience is finally; slowly but surely paying off. I have so much to give. I have enough of it for myself.

I’m funny as fuck, I’m not ugly, I’m smart as hell!!! I can literally fix anything that‘s broken. Whether it’s engineering things or people. I’m one of the sweetest souls I know besides the front I put on as a barrier because I’m afraid of getting hurt again. I’m not going to give anyone the time of day they’re not giving me. That would be degrading to someone such as myself. FUCK THAT.

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