How it feels to be loved by me. Unconditionally without any conditions. How it must feel to never be alone or feel like you're lonely. Never having to sacrifice your own sanity, your own happiness to be more than one. How it’s so easy for you to be selfish and not think of me at all. But I think about you 24/7, every waking moment.
All the good and bad memories playing in my conscious as if they’re the only memories I’ve ever lived. I’ve had more lifetimes than you ever existing. I’ve lived too many lifetimes but I never experienced a life this painful. As depressing as those many lifetimes were, there were moments of pure bliss where nothing else matter. Here in this lifetime, I’m not myself. I’m walking on eggshells in the unknown.
They always say your second love will be the hardest. I thought this was what I wanted, what I needed. A loyalty of a lifetime I couldn’t be shed by anyone else. Just like everything else, the sparks die. The innocence fades. Just like everyone else, you abandoned me. Just like everyone else, what love you showed was a facade. It simply ran out. I thought the thoughts of losing someone was traumatizing. Grieving for those who are not dead. Just no longer in my life.
I often times asked myself, throughout these lifetimes, these friendships and relationships; what was some common similarities and differences? People left with a part of me. They we’re droughts that drained the good parts of me. They were parasites, they took the love I had to offer and didn’t love me back. They didn’t have to. The difference was, I kept meeting the same kinds of people in different forms. All the love frequencies and energies, they all exchanged differently.
But the heartbreak always felt the same. At times I wonder what kind of person I could’ve become if I wasn’t broken pieces my whole life. At least I’m not broken anymore, but how would I view the world now if my heart never got broken as many times as it did. If people were all honest and loyal to me as I was to them. If they all thought with all my conscious.
I probably wouldn’t have been so hurt and heartbroken. Time doesn’t change a damn thing, the hurt always resurface and I’m here questioning why wasn’t enough to be loved correctly. All time, energy and love I wasted on those who never even thought about me. You’ll miss me and how good and kind I was to you. You’ll miss my softness, how tender I was. How genuine, thoughtful and great I was to you.
I won’t be yours anymore. What pisses people off most is when they lose something they never deserved to begin with. I exchanged your pain for my divinity, my love. Why shouldn’t I be solid cos a mf ain’t?
Lucky you to have me and will have had me. To live through my eyes, my success, my intelligence, and my love. What am I doing here besides save you and help guide you to a better love. Molding and shaping you for someone else to love one day. The reality is I was the unlucky one. I was the one that got away. I never wanted better, I wanted you to be better for me.
Lucky you.