Letter to YOU! (pt. 2)
All I want is basic human, emotional intimacy. I get bored, tired of everything and everyone I meet. I guess I got used to being alone that I enjoy spending time alone. When was the last time I've felt this way about anyone? It almost feels like that era didn't exist. The raw emotions. The thoughts of having someone by my side. I don't want to accompany those who just need a "spark" in their life. Or want something fun.
I'm more than just a good time, good vibes, "good people." "I hate to break it to you, but what people call "love" is just a chemical reaction that compels animals to breed. It hits hard, Morty, then it slowly fades, leaving you stranded in a failing marriage." - Rick
I've never seen a successful marriage or any real happy relationship. It's so important for me to want one with YOU. It's a project for me. Love is a craft that I want to perfect and mold/piece together. I don't want to love like a regular ass person. I genuinely crave something real. I think about it here and there. I want that. Eventually I'll have it. It sucks because when I want something or someone, that's all I want. There is no nothing else or anyone else.
My focus was on YOU. Not obsessively. No not like that. I understand my own worth and behavior(s) now. I want YOU to have YOUr YOU time with YOUr own friends. Of course. I'm really happy for YOU. Really happy for YOU. If you can take a break and communicate with me. To see your friends and family, of course I would support you. And encourage you to go out and socialize.
I don't need to be by YOUr side everyday or know YOUr every move. Who am I to change YOU for who and what YOU are? YOU don't belong to me, YOU're not even mine and it bothers me; so much. To love, is to not to possess or own another being. “Some people bring out the worst in you, others bring out the best, and then there are those remarkably rare, addictive ones who just bring out the most. Of everything. They make you feel so alive that you'd follow them straight into hell, just to keep getting your fix.” ― Karen Marie Moning
YOU. Fucking YOU. Damn YOU. YOU're so kind. YOU're so fucking pure. Everything about YOU, the way YOU laugh at my jokes even when I'm not being funny. YOU make me feel something. I haven't felt this way in so long. It was like my life was slowly getting better, I was starting to do me things. I was happy for months now. Ever since I got over the fear and trauma of driving again because of those accidents that happened back to back in that one year. When I started doing school full time. YOU met me at my prime-time. At my highest self being. YOU're the sweetest thing to me. Even in a room full of people; even at all the restaurants we've been to, too. I only saw YOU.
YOU were the missing piece to my chaotic lifestyle. YOU knew what you were signing up for. YOU knew I was bat shit crazy yet YOU loved me back. YOU don't even have to say it. I feel it when I'm with YOU. YOU let me breathe, YOU give me time and space to do my own thing, YOU call me every time I tell YOU I'm having a mental breakdown or even seen something that triggered my past or have caused me to have another maniac episode. YOU either really know how to play the mother fucking game or YOU really cared.
But don't give me an energy that's irreplaceable then not be able to keep that same energy. Management. YOU know I have attachment and abandonment issues as is. Don't let me go, if YOU do... I'm never looking back. I'm not coming back. Not again. I can't keep going crazy when someone leaves. I can't keep relapsing on people like they're a drug.
Words mean nothing if actions don't match them. YOU make me feel like a kid again as if I never had a fucked up childhood. YOU gave me everything I never even knew I was missing or knew I was appealed to could ever want. I don't want anyone else to have YOU if I can't have YOU in this lifetime.
Call me selfish, but I want YOU to be mine. "Guess I'll take another one just to kill time. Can't feel my face and I can't move. But they say you can't love what YOU can't lose. So I'm sitting here trapped in my own thoughts. Now I can't feel all 'cause of YOU." Love ain't for me, never again... It won't do me any good. It was fun, it made me feel whole while it was what it was.
I'm not an object. I'm not a paid therapist. When people like YOU come in, I don't know how to feel. There's just so many emotions that I've been saving for someone like YOU. How can YOU just pretend that everything is okay when it isn't? I want YOU to understand how badly it aches. I feel it emotionally and psychically. How does someone like YOU give me the world, everything and I find it so odd to believe? It was oddly satisfying but it makes me sad because I'd rather leave YOU than have YOU hurt me first. I feel like I'm internally screaming, it hurts so fucking bad and I just want to turn it off. I don't like feeling like this.
My fucking head, my fucking heart, it all fucking hurts so fucking bad! What if I never come back from this? What if I numb it away again? I wasn't suppose to feel this way again. I told myself that I would never get attached to the next person I talk to. I promised myself I won't get attached. Look at how far that have gotten me, not very far huh?
That's the thing I don't like about myself. I always flee before things even get serious or real. I never want to have anything real with anyone until I met YOU. I miss us, I miss YOU. All the fucking time even when YOU're right next to me. I miss how you sound when YOU're sleeping. I miss waking up in YOUr arms. I miss YOU holding me in bed; cuddling me. Even when I pushed YOU away, even when I turned away. I loved every second of it. Waking up next to YOU seeing those pretty eyes. Sitting in our cars for hours just stargazing even when there were no stars out and it was pouring rain.
YOU listening to me pour out my heart on-to the surface. How do YOU think that makes me feel? To never even feel that way with just anybody be so comfortable to open up. My closest friends and family never have even hear me out. They're all so busy and I hate feeling like a burden. There's so many ideas, thoughts and emotions; I haven't been able to express yet.
No one has listened and analyze the way I talk or how I talk. How is that supposed to make me feel? I'm head over heels for YOU, I'm afraid of falling for YOU because I know you won't catch me when I do fall.
It'll hurt and it'll take some time to just be away. I don't want to feel like this anymore! I don't want to be so fond of anyone; especially YOU. I don't want YOU because when I did, I didn't know how to stop wanting YOU. I don't want to get jealous, crazy or mean because of YOU. I don't want to put my life and time on pause because I'm so busy enjoying another one with YOU. YOU can't blame me for wanting time apart. Things got so intimate pretty quickly. It was even too fast for me too... I miss having YOU inside of me. And YOU're a part of who I am now. It'll fuck with my head.
I think one of the worst pain is being in love or being on the road to loving someone. I don't think I've ever been in love; I loved the idea of being in love but I'd never been in love. I thought I was but if I was ever in love with anyone, I wouldn't have fallen out of it with them. I don't want YOU. I wanted YOU. Once that humanity switch goes off. There's no telling how I'll feel. If that switch goes off, it won't turn back on for awhile. YOU know where I be at, who I'm with and what I be doing out here. If YOU wanted me too, you'd try. YOU'd show up. YOU'd try. It's all good, I finally turned the damn switch.
I'm Tina, I know who the fuck I am. I know what I bring to the table. I BOUGHT the fucking table. I'll always keep it pushin', I'm a mother fuckin' rider, hustler, soulmate. It's YOUr loss. Not mine, I'll always be solid. No matter how bad things get. I'm fucking straight. I'd rather love me than YOU. I pick me, I choose me. The time has come to an end. Just because one door closed on me, doesn't mean many more won't open.
I'm still a gangsta but I'm so hopeless romantic. I almost feel bad that YOU'll never meet anyone else like me. I know damn well, no one else will match my thrive to be successful, caring, loving, and especially as funny as me. I'd say I took the L but it looks like you did. I didn't lose anything but my fucking time. My time is fucking valuable, it's something I can't get back.
I made some of it for YOU, I basically gave YOU a portion of my life and YOU wasted it. I made time for YOU as busy as my life got, I always made time for YOU. Don't try to play hero and try to save me again. I don't need saving. I don't want to be saved. It's always straight on my end. No matter what I've never fumbled the bag. I secured it.
Welcoming back the deep demons in my closet tonight.
Goodnight world. 💙