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If I Did - May 27th, 2018

Maybe one day, someday I'll learn to take care of me, maybe one day I'll love me, too. Maybe one day. It's not anyones fault but my own. I'm the one who is hurting, who is hurting. Who feels and endures this pain; alone. In silence. This is the only way out. I'm just tired. I want to get away. So many attempts. I just want to be happy for once.

Jose, my fucking whole heart. I tried to escape the memories, the agony every fucking day. The drinking happened every day for five months straight. Drugs ever so often, sleeping pills more than the recommended dosage just to numb the memories. The fucking memories, the emotions. Even when I was high, it hurt more. My heart just felt even more broken.

I actually felt what a broken heart is supposed to feel like. It felt worse when I was high and it went away when I was drunk. I believe people when they say they have the broken heart syndrome. It feels so empty without you. No amount of drugs and alcohol can fill my empty voids.

It was you for quite some time, I fucking hate you. How can you be so selfish? You came into my life. My sorrows, you sent them far away. You became a part of me and I can't let go of us, of you!!! You blurred every worry, every ounce of pain, all parts of me that never healed. You filled up my heart with so much happiness. How can I even ever repay you for loving me that much?

We could've worked things out. We could've been still together. It was always you. It was you that I was supposed to marry. It was you that I was supposed to have a perfect life with. Safe haven was supposed to be OUR home. Late nights by the campfire. You criticize my cooking but eating it later anyways. We were supposed to have two or three kids together. Twins to be exact. I missed you. How the fuck am I supposed to let go? I thought by seeing you will speed up the painless process. Without you, I have to do this alone and I can't be alone again. I took 20 sleeping pills already so my conscious...

I'm so blessed and lucky to have found enough to have been with someone like you. Darling you have my best intentions I've come to love. To thought I was in love, until the end of time. I'll always love you. I can't turn anywhere that doesn't remind me of you... I want to erase all of it, but we spent so much time together. To erase you would mean that, I would erase me, too. I'm so scared to love again. I saw you the other day, it's been awhile. In the moment, I felt the pain I've caused you too. Do you still think of me? Do you still love me? Do you even care anymore? You used to tell me I'm the strongest person you knew. That you've came to known. You were my best friend. My happiness. My soulmate. Until death do us apart.

I'm sorry I wasn't stable enough. That I didn't take care of me mentality to be healthy for you, for us. All the times you found me lifeless on the floor, bloodshot eyes but loved me anyway like it was the last time you were ever going to love me. I fucking miss you so much. I can't stop thinking or dreaming about you. I want to know how to do good, be better just so we can spend the rest of our lives together. It hurts so fucking much. I need you. Right now. You were my favorite drug. I can't seem to look anywhere without thinking about you and how happy you made me. It's almost been a year and it still feels like hell.

All the hours of the nights since I lost you, I was high and drunk all the time. Like now, it didn't hurt less to be numb, it made me remember and as painful as it feels right now too, it's as if I'm reliving every second of happiness I never thought I'd ever feel. You were my first love and I was yours. You were my high school sweetheart, I can write novels about how kind and genuine you were all day and night. The real you and those hazel green-brown eyes that dilated when peeked into my soul.

My heart melted every time you looked at me, like my mind, body and soul was at peace with you. You always made sure I was fed no matter if you were running late for work or in the middle of it. I was your baby and twinflame. We accepted each other in realer forms. The trust, the loyalty and faithfulness was there. That's why I loved you so much. It couldn't be real. I had to let go. I didn't care if it meant breaking my own heart. You deserve someone better. Someone who is mentally and emotionally capable of wanting to live everyday.

Not someone who randomly would disappear for hours because they tried to OD or slit themselves the third time in the week. I never had anyone that cared and loved me that much. And I'll always be grateful that you did.

I just wish I didn't have to numb my veins into forgetting you because you wouldn't have loved this either but alcohol and pills are all I know. You know I still have dreams about you almost every night. Even though we both moved on, in my dreams I feel guilty for doing so. In all those dreams we were in love again and you'd ask me to marry you but that guilt trip. Even when I'm not yours, I will always be all yours.

The love we shared, it was different. I was bat shit crazy and you loved the shit out of me for it. From our monotone humor and vicious behavior towards everyone else but each other. You were my Clyde in every dream. You took care of me and I took care of you.

I was dead most of my life and you came in; I felt like I was breathing again.

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