When you’re surrounded by love. Almost all the time... things become harder than usual. I’ve never had the love I was suppose to have as a child. I never had anything more than what I do now. So what am I suppose to feel? But I refuse to let that make me feel dull. Or any less affectionate. I had more hardships and heartaches to last me entire lifetime. I had things that took a toll on me. I been through hell then back then many more times in hell again.
I almost feel guilty for feeling THIS happy. I feel so lucky and fortunate to be alive now but I still feel like it’s overbearing. I want to work on healing as I’m hurting. There are tons of demons I still need to kill and work through; bad habits, alone. And I like dealing with things on my own. Let’s be honest; we can’t depend on others to be happy. We cannot depend on other human beings to feel anything. As much as they bring happiness, they’ll bring a lot of burdens of their own demons and skeletons in their own closets. I don’t want to be there anymore. I don’t want my pain and sadness to be someone else’s burden let alone their responsibility to make me okay.
I used to cry myself to bed every night, wondering why the fuck I’d never be good enough. I questioned my self worth and life here on earth. I still do at times but it's not as bad as it used to be. I only ever thought I’d make it to 13 as soon as I became so suicidal. And actually started acting out on it. I don’t want pity, sympathy or people to feel bad for me. I was alone and I dealt with things alone throughout my entire twenty-two years here. That’s how I was raised and taught to be. And when you’re put through more pain than happiness and all of this regular life shit, it changes you forever. I never had a normal life. There’s certain shit we go through that makes us, us.
I was always envious of people who had both loving parents. Together or not. I’ve never had both parents who loved me enough to work things out. To love me unconditionally alone or together. I mean I’m sure my parents broke my heart and who I was before I even got the chance to grow up. It’s became my new norm to find love in places that I never had it. I look for love in everyone I meet. And sometimes I used people for sex or whatever it is I’m craving in return of them loving me. And it used to work in my favor. But that’s not who I am. I’m not who I used to be. Sex is a now and forever a bond. I can’t even wrap my head around the fact that I used to let pain and hurt let me go around breaking people’s hearts for no reason because I felt like people were never enough for me. Or actually just wanted to be good to me. I knew what people wanted, it was lust and sex. A body to mold around. I wanted to break hearts before anyone broke mine. I had to play the game; the right way. I grew up with boys, I know how their mentality works. No one can really play me before I play them. That’s all it was. A business deal for me. And I really knew how to play the game.
Nothing was ever consistent enough for me to settle. Nothing and no one kept me sane enough or in one place more than enough because it wasn’t enough. I just felt like I never fit in with anyone. Not because they were too good or I was. I didn’t fit in because people never felt my pain. People weren’t mature as me. I was a lone wolf and I loved it that way but it got saddening. They weren’t built through sadness and sorrows. Why does everyone think I was crazy and being an alcoholic at such a young age? I used to abused the fuck out of alcohol. I have an addictive personality to everything and everyone I touch. May it be a depressant, artificial happiness or a person(s). I don’t want to be broken anymore. I’m tired of living the life I once did. I’m tired of feeling like a damaged ass person. Because I’m not. My past, my pain, my trauma, and triggers cannot and will not define the person I’m trying to be.
I want to be successful. I want to be financially stable. I want a life in this life. I want to be happy. I want to be someone’s wife one day. I want to be a wifey for the right person. And I want them to never stop loving me the first day they did. I want to have kids and leave a legacy and empire behind. I want generations of my Yokos and my kids to lead. To be a leader and be leaders to make this world a better place. I want to make the world a better place while I still can. I want everything and more. If I can do more, I want to be more. I want to be the best of everything. The best version of me, myself and I but also be the best at my career. I want to be an educator but I also want to continue learning about everything. Politics, psychology, sociology, etc. Everything.
I was bad for so long and I just want to be happy. I want to be good for once. For once in my life, I want to be good. I want a big change. I want to be good for me but also be good for and to someone else. I’m always gonna be the idiot that loves more that gives more. I’ve came to terms to accept that’s who’ll I’ll always be and who I am. I wouldn’t change it. I can’t turn cold again. I can’t go empty or turn off the humanity switch again or/and anymore. I learned one thing so far the past couple of years. That it’s okay to feel sensitive—it’s okay to be sensitive. I feel things intensely and so deeply. I have so much compassion. I can’t help that I’m an empath. I feel everything for everything and everyone. I may not say much but I feel it already. I absorb people’s demons. Their emotions. Their thoughts. It’s a curse and blessing to feel this way but to avoid it. To go ”numb” from feeling. To force myself to not care or train myself to not care about anything like I once did... that’s no way to live.
I don’t want to run away every time someone gives me love and affection because it’s “weird”. I want love. I secretly love it. I don’t want to run away when something feels good because I’m traumatize that it's not genuine enough. I don’t want to run away every time someone gives me something I finally deserve because I don’t feel like I deserve it. I’m so used to being treated badly that I don’t know how to feel or even think that any time someone loves me or gives me the things I desire; I don’t want to think it’s all phony anymore. I want to open my heart again and let people in. That’s a lot. I hardly trust a soul, not even my own. We make broken promises to people, each other and even ourselves. We tell and promise ourselves, we'll live today but could die tomorrow or in an instant.
I never knew life could be so fulfilling. I never knew I’d find my purpose to wake up in the morning. Or why I want to. And there’s a new different reason everyday. I have so many things to be thankful for. What I have will always keep me at ease. Even more. I’m fortunate enough to have an education. Good paying job, roof over my head. My siblings, my dog, my car, my moms, my uncle, my step dad, my friends. Sometimes we never receive the right kind of love from our parents and family that we have to or try to find it in other people. Whether it be friendships or relationships. We search all our lives to find the “right” kind of love. To love is to love people how they want to be loved not how you want to be loved because that's selfish.
I will use all the pain and suffering. I will use all my setbacks as a goal to strive for the better. If I’m happy and doing whatever it is to make the world keep going, fuck everyone else. I’m gonna do whatever makes me happy, whatever that may be, wherever my heart and soul takes me. I will go there. Home is always where the heart is. And I go
everywhere my heart goes.
Good morning. 💙