I don't blame you for leaving my mother and I. For a long time I was angry and I blamed you for all of my issues. I used to cry about it. I used to be sad about it, for the most part, you already know how deep my love runs for you. You were there when I almost OD on E by accident. You saw the scars on my arms. You saw me almost take my last breath on you. I saw you cry for the first time... You never seem to care before. It almost fed my ego to see you so sad because I almost died. The look on your face was astounding to me.
And I was troubled. It made me think that no one will even care or show up if I died. Who did show up that day showed me everyone's true colors. Looks like we have something in common huh? We'd both show up for each other when it matters but everything else is business deal. You taught me to never love any damn body unless they flash money in my face to buy my happiness and love. My mom taught me love is not a saying, it's not a feeling. She tells me all the time, people who yell at you care about you and loves you.
You were the first man to ever break my fucking heart. No wonder why I look for you in every man I fall in love with. Daddy issues. I have a problem with so many broken men in my life for the karma of all the heartbreaks you left other women in; in your lifetime. How do you make the same "mistakes" more than once. Repeated mistakes define who you are. How do you go to bed at night after doing all the things you did? How did you let my moms raise me all alone for so long? Why was she the one who fought for me but you didn't? Why did you have to go and be a deadbeat father to me?
For once in your fucking life, take accountability. Take responsibility for your actions for fuck sake. Why does everyone have to pick up after your mess? Why does everyone have to clean it up time and time again? You never remember my birthdays, you weren't even there when I was born... were you laid up with another woman while my mom was in pain and alone? Or were you just drinking again? You pray and say all of these kind things to me. But when was the last time we had lunch together? You used to make me feel like a burden whether it was just a dentist appointment, or whenI was rushed into the ER again but you never tried for me.
You never fought for me. Even when you visited a month ago, you gave me a used bag from one of your mistresses that reeked of home-wrecking. I would've love to move to Florida with you. I would have loved to get to know you more in my lifetime. And in another, I hope and pray; you won't be my father. I don't hate you. But it's too late. I gave you chances over and over again. I gave you the benefit of the doubt. You blew it. I'm older now, I can afford the lifestyle I crave. I don't want your money, your time. You didn't even claim me as your own when you found out I was yours. But how do you say that? When you knew. I have your features. I spent almost every summer at your house with your family even though you were barely there or there at all.
I remember every good and bad memory you gave me. All of them, it sucks that all I have memories of from my childhood was you leaving me. I remember being so sick one time and youngest uncle saw me at the local Cambodian store. I remember wanting these squeaky shoes. I remember wanting to see you. I remember walking around making all this noise. I remember sitting on top of the stairs yelling and calling for your name to just take care of me! But you didn't. You weren't even there. I was only four or five at the time. You're the oldest yet you are and never were responsible for any of your daughters. I remember wanting you to come home to eat with me when I stayed there. But partying and drinking was so much more important to you than I ever was. I only remember you screaming at me telling me to stop calling you. That you were "busy".
I remember all the pain, every conversation, all the trauma and ptsd you put me through. I remember it like the lines and details of my palms. I remember you coming to my high school graduation although you doubted the whole time if I would've even make it out or be another drop out. Look at me now, I'm graduating school in August of 2021. You doubted my success, my drive, my thrive to be the best. To not end up like you. Sometimes I think about you dying of old age. How no one will be there. Your other daughters because they hate you. They hate what you've done. I think about it every now and then. It's fucked up but let's talk about it. Let's take a step back for one second and think about it. I'm gonna be the only one who shows up. I will be the one that carries that casket.
I don't think I would flinch. We all know how you get. You never stay in one place for too long because you like changes and Seattle probably just give you bad memories of all the horrible things you've done. I guess that's all we have in common. We don't stay in one place for too long. We don't even know what the fuck you're doing all year round. You only show up when it's convenient for you. When you feel like it. You either half ass show up or not at all. I lived through that. Not you. You didn't have to live through the fear of rejection. You didn't live through sleepless nights or nights in the car crying every fucking day till there were no tears left in me. It hurt so bad, I cried to the point where it doesn't hurt anymore.
Moms wrong, love is suppose to feel fucking good, it's suppose to be kind, it's suppose to be fulfilling. Love DOES not hurt, it does not break your heart, it does not leave.
It was always about your other daughter, your first and only wife. You treated moms like she was just a side piece. You broke her heart, my mom was in love with you. You broke her heart, you broke mine then; now you want things to be okay. Things will never be okay.
How does it feel? To be the one on the other side of the reflection of my tears? How does it feel to be excluded? How does it fucking feel to know that I don't need you or want you to be part of my life? I don't have a real dad in my eyes. I only have a mother, Vise and my uncle—your brother, and my dad from Vietnam. I wish you loved me the way I loved you. They played your part better than you ever could. And I wish you were there the day I was born. I wish you would've held me in your arms. I wish you fell in love with your second child. But how could you? You left your wife and other child in Vietnam. Used and “loved” my mom just to go behind her back to make papers for your first life. You played my mom and she's no fucking fool. Especially for you. I'm glad she left you. I'm glad she got married to someone else and didn't find out about me until she came back to Seattle.
I used to think I was a mistake. Life and being alive because of you. If you found out about me too, you would've forced her to get her to get another abortion. Me. And I finally came to a conclusion. I am not a mistake. I am the biggest blessing. If I never even exist, I wouldn't be where I am today, I wouldn't be saving the world one step at a time. Thank you for never loving me the way I was loving you. You gave me all the closure I needed and I know where I stand in your life. Thank you for showing me who you really are; a fucking coward. There's no second chances, there's no going back. It's too late and I'm moving forward. February 28th, I won't ever forget your day like you forget about mine.
My brand was gonna first launch on your birthday. To symbolize me. It's not about you anymore. I released it on Valentines Day of 2019. The day of love. Love wins, and it always will but it ain't you.
Happy birthday Daddy. To many years of health and wealth.
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