I'd rather stay up and get drunk to the point of blacking out. Where my mind just stops running so fast. My heart just stops hurting. Everything just frozen in time. I don't want the memories and I wish my brain would just stop thinking about everything all the time. I want to let go of the memories you gave me. I had the switch on for so long, I turned it back on for you. For months I was living life on auto pilot again. I didn't feel anything, I wasn't sad, depressed or happy. I was just numb and empty. I didn't feel anything.
Now I feel bittersweet, I'm glad things ended before I had the chance to hurt myself in working things out. I have so much going on in my life, I wasn't ready mentally and emotionally to give myself to someone yet. I have tons of projects and plans the next few months. I wanted someone to help, be there and see the woman I'm going to blossom into. I really wanted things to work for once. I was ready, as scared as I was; I wanted to give this whole love thing a chance again.
From a different perspective this time, now that my self worth and self love has been established. I have so much love in me left to give everyone else. I was under the impression that you wanted to see me grow and grow with me. I misinterpret the entire situation. I had someone who's like my best friend, my first text, my first call. I had someone I wanted to tell everything first to, someone who kept me company when my friends were busy. Someone to laugh with me. Someone to eat with me, or just be by my side whenever I was working or just doing school work.
It was consistent until it wasn't anymore. All I wanted was someone who would be consistent with me. And care about me enough to just be honest and keep it real with me. I told you how scared I was of being loved; as much as I crave it and want it, I'm not used to it. I don't know how to react when someone is good to me, when they treat me how I deserved to be treated. The first date we had, you held every door open for me, you paid for everything, your face lit up when I ordered our drinks while you were using the whiz palace. How did you give me so many memories in so little time then just stop?
We went to the park, drove around Seattle to other bars. I had a great time, this was one of the best dates or probably the best one I've been on in a long time. You gave me something I never expected to experience. You were consistent: this time it wasn't me. I wasn't the one making plans or going the extra miles for someone. It was all you. And I met you half way. I enjoyed trying new places, new food with you. I loved just spending time with you every chance we got. I have a very busy life style but it felt so pure and intimate to have someone just enjoying running errands with me.
All I really wanted was someone to feel like my best friend but give me the adrenaline rush whenever I'm with them. Someone who plays with my hair and takes naps with me. You deserved the new me. Everything I've worked up to for myself, the woman I was and wanted to become. At full force. You deserved the best me because you were patient. Even though you didn't understand every detail about me, you observed it. You studied me, but it felt like I didn't even know you. It's terrifying. I don't think you can even process the amount of stress this has brought me. You came into my life out of nowhere, became consistent. Gave me something I never had before just to flip the switch on me.
I'm not even mad at you, how can I be? I knew what I was doing, but I did it anyway thinking this time, this one fucking time, this one fucking person will have me. When it's real, you'll know, you know me better than anyone else. In those few months of talking, those few weeks. Us spending all the time we can together, school or not, work or not; we spent hours talking about our past, our present and who we desire to be. I think I'm the reason why you stayed in Seattle for so long instead of traveling or one of the reasons. And you chose to spend all that time with me.
I don't want to hold you back from living, you barely scratched the surface. I want you to experience life the way I already did. I wanted you to do whatever to fill your soul, your heart and happiness. Even if it was without me. I want you to figure out what you want and who you want to be. Be so sure of it that you'll come around again when you do understand who you are. When you are done with your fun, you'll grow up. Then we can make compromises. I don't think you like my lifestyle anyways. It's too hectic and crazy for someone so normal. So pure and just so fucking sane. I'm not that at all, whether or not opposites attract.
I've been broken, I've healed. I've changed, I grew up. I'm learning as I'm going. I'm figuring out this whole life thing. I pictured how I wanted things to be. Eventually when I graduated, I'd be backpacking with you to join you on your travel journey. And have someone baby sit Yoko temporary living in my next apartment. Have someone run TSUKURU while we take a month off and go somewhere special like Asia. I wanted a something with you. Then come back, put my auto body degree to use and work on manifesting my career. I knew you were going to be my side every time. I knew that no matter how much time we had apart that you'd be holding it down for me too. I knew it would've been good. Really really fucking good.
I know it's contradicting, I want you to live your life to the fullest. But I'm a fucking asshole, I'm selfish. I want you all to myself. I don't want anyone else to have you. You make time for me. You go out of your way to make me happy. You did so much for me, and I'll always be grateful and cherish that. I wanted more, I got greedy. I wanted more time so I can spend time with you. I just wanted to spend time with you all the time. I felt like I would go mad whenever you weren't talking to me... I start to have these weird panic attacks and my mind just shuts off thinking the worse.
I don't want to fight and argue anymore. I'm so tired, I feel so mentally and emotionally drained. I have enough heartbreaks to last me another time. I have so many more people to come across to hurt me again. I'd rather go numb and just never feel this way again. I hate feeling like this. I hate how sad this makes me. Not even being able to be emotionally stable to have a friendship with you. You're scared and I understand. You want to replace the feelings I made you feel, maybe even top it with someone else. But how can you? I'm me and you're you. The bond and connection we had is not replaceable. Those feelings aren't, I'm not.
When you see things, they will remind you of me and what we did, what we shared. Memories cannot be replaced with new ones no matter how badly you want them too. Even when I turned off the humanity switch, I can't ever fucking sleep. Whenever I close my eyes and try to, I see you. I see you with someone else, I see you moving on, already. This was the last thing I needed was nightmares of you being the bad guy.
So many things have been running through my mind lately and I don't even know how to tell someone else that isn't you. No one is consistent. No one is fun, no one is different enough to keep me interested. Everyone's so boring and I'm so bored of everyone. They don't keep me mesmerize like you did. I'm going through another hell and I just wish someone was here right now so I can tell them how terrible it feels. I sat there and cried the other day until there were no more tears, until the pain went away and until the cry put me to sleep.
I kept thinking that the past is the past; parts of me haven't completely healed and we both know that. I just laid there wondering why me? Why am I still here? What's the point anymore? I tried so hard not to have those episodes, the dark ones, the dark days and somehow it almost got to that point again. Rock bottom.
I have to go numb and empty again or I'll lose it and won't know how to come back from it. Things are going pretty well but emotionally and mentally, I'm not really there you know? I'm so tired from revisiting the past in my journals just to establish the forum further. I keep repeating all the hells, from 11 YEARS AGO!!! All the ptsd and anger is coming back. I just keep telling me it'll be worth it and it'll be worthwhile and somehow it'll save someone from themselves. I'm putting myself out there wholeheartedly. I'm going through the old emotions and thoughts of every single memory of every person that left a scar on my body.
I'm reliving the memories of every mother fucker who bullied me, who made me want to fucking kill myself, who tortured me, who made me feel so worthless, useless and in so much fucking pain that I did try, did commit suicide. Yet I survived. Am I a survivor? Or am I just invincible?