As days and nights get longer, I start to get these maniac episodes where there’s an abundance of pain. No words. No expressions but to ought out feeling that there is no place left on Earth for me. Just ounces of pain and there are no words to even describe it. It’s almost as if my brain had an off switch to how to reside what to feel. Nothing but a bottomless pit of pain. And there’s so much of it everywhere. I can’t stop to suffice that bearing. How alone it feels. The feeling of feeling hopeless and unwanted by the fears of being left to be felt like this.
Minutes turn into hours and I can’t even feel my own skin anymore. Feels like I’m a prisoner in this maze. Stuck on replay of some horror movie. Not a suspect or victim. Just me. Lifeless. Staring at the white ceilings and black fences. Wondering when it’s my turn to never return. When these episodes play and I’m living it. There are times where there are two people so it feels inside of me. One fighting to live and the other torturing myself for a way out. I can’t seem to shake this feeling off. So lost and alone, with no one to turn to. Even my soul has turned into ashes. The person I was saw in my own eyes died. Meaningless corpse just decaying the flaws and sorrows away. I don’t even look like this anymore.