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Touch Up

I mean how many people did I have to fall for; for them to break my heart first? How many heartaches did I have to redeem back myself? There isn’t a part of mine that was cold. None. None at all. To be able to have the fortune to love so well and so deep.

In ways not always humane. Look at what could’ve been. Look at all the damages already done. But a part of me had erase and killed those memories. I don’t even remember that pain, that hurt, I don’t remember all the good and bad moments we shared. No one has left that impact on me. No one ever gave me something so genuine and so raw that I remembered. I only remember faces. I don’t remember the endless conversations, and worrisome laughers and smiles. I don’t remember the curves of those lips when smiles reaches cheek from cheek.

You know how many damn tears I had to shed to make sure others were smiling? You know how many times I fell knowing I'd fall to make sure others were laughing meanwhile I was on my bed drowning my own sorrows in drugs and alcohol? I had to touch up all the pain, all the hurt. Every negative emotion I felt in my own bones to make others happy... And I'd still do the same thing over and over again. I refuse to let the world, society and the hatred of others to sullen me. I'm not a bad person, I am not evil; I say fucked up shit all the time. Who doesn't?

Yet that good side, the best side, the sweet side... It never died. It resides inside of me. It's just hard to come across those who actually want something real. A real life, real friendship, and/or real relationship. At one point I did love everyone, I did love everything. I thought I was in love with many others.

I've been told my love moves people. I've been told many different things but no one can ever align how they think about me to how they truly feel about me. I mean right now, my fingers run across these keyboards like it's a piano. I just want somebody to hear me within my silence. I want someone to hear my cries through my smiles and laughter because it's louder than sound waves.

I'm so exhausted. I'm mentally and emotionally so fucking drained. From accompanying others with happiness and love. I'm so tired of giving to those who don't deserve me. I want to keep doing it. Unfortunately, I want to keep watering people: they're like flowers, I want to see every flower and plant at the end; when it's done blooming.

I want to see how people are when they are raised and grown through love.

Good morning World. 💙

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