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To My First Love

The things I did for you, and with you, I can't ever doing it for someone else. Everything I ever dreamt of with you, I just don't want anymore. I wanted twins so badly, a marriage with you. I wanted to grow old with you until we had to wipe each other's assholes. I wanted to get married to you so soon so you can have your papers and be able to travel and see the world with me by the naked eye. I would've done it all just for you. When we started dating, I would always talk about you and introduce you as my husband. You asked me to date you a few times and I always said no and let you down but then I finally grew balls and finally asked you. Well more like saying you're mine. When we were drunk at Denny's early morning after drinking honey jack I believe.

But I don't want kids, I don't want to be married because I'm reminded of what love isn't what I'd hoped and wanted it to be. Everything I ever wanted and was compassionate enough to give, was lost in someone who didn't want a future with me. I wanted to be your one and only but I was always placed in second place. I know it's always family over everything but I thought I was important and was the most loyal thing to be part of. I thought I was family too and I'm not. You always made it clear that I'm not your priority and I wanted more. I got greedy with you and I wanted more of you, more like all of you. And you couldn't withstand my passion, my aching. I was tired of waiting for you to be the man that I thought you were when we began sharing our goals and ideas of what love and a relationship should truly be. I've always tried harder, did more. I always fought for us to be together. I was the glue and tape for our relationship. I wanted to be extraordinary together rather than ordinary without each other. We were running out of time and I couldn't wait anymore. You were my drug, my adrenaline and I couldn't feel anything else in the world but you. You were pure bliss and I couldn't get enough, I always went through hell and back because I wanted to get my fix again.

From everything we've been through and dealt with... you still couldn't ride it out for me. You took parts of me that I can't get back. Parts that made me happy and full of life. I'm hollow and just numb all the time now. This is how I'm coping and grieving. Even if it might kill me, at least I'll die in the way that I wanted. And die happy. I can't eat, I can't think, I can't breathe without you. All I do is stay up for days then have a little nap in between then go back to drinking and doing drugs. And it fills the void of you. I want to go out, lead people on, make them all fall in love with me and then leave them heart broken, in agony and so much pain that when they hear my name, it makes them want to scream. That's how you are making me feel. I want everyone to face that kind of pain where they can't come back from. Not once did you ever visit me at any of the jobs I had. Not once did you bring me lunch or stopped by to say hi. AND I always have done that. I make or buy you lunch and I bring it to discount tire all the time. I loved seeing you and checking up on you. I always loved being wherever you were. I love you. I love you. I love you. I wish at times I was able to stop time for a moment. So we can sleep and be with each other, cuddle and forget time. And wake up naked cooking breakfast. I wanted to be lost in time and you didn't ever want that. You were so money hungry that it was never about me like it was anymore. When you worked at the pharmacy, I was the most important thing to you. You always made me eat, we'd eat several times a day. And it's like time stopped and I was on the run with you. Nothing else mattered. And no one else did.

Then you got a job without consulting me, then we started drifting and the whole time, I held on. I never wanted to lose you. I know what I brought to the table and what you didn't. It was more than just love and lust. It was you being my person, you being there when no one could be. When my own family abandoned and used me. Manipulated and ruined me, you were there and I admired you every time for doing so. One day you just let me down. And 2+ years in the running, so much had happened where I don't think I'll ever let myself or let anyone get that close to me. Everyone is so undeserving of me and I never want anyone to get to know the real me like you did. I don't want to ever be so dependent on anyone else like how I was with you. Even though I was the one who broke it off, you didn't fight for me. And this is the best time to fight, FOR ME. But you're enjoying your freedom, being alone that you had to let me go forever. You told me to take care of myself and Yoko. This is how I'm taking care of myself. I'm drinking and drugging myself to death. I'm restless and a little more fearless and reckless by the day. Everyday I'm more numb or care less, little by little. All my friends and people I'm surrounded by are so worried that I might end up losing my shit, I'll end up killing myself or do something so bad that I'll end up getting hurt. I finally turned 20 and you weren't there like for my 16th, 18th and 19th. And you were suppose to enjoy my 21 with me too. The rest of my existence with me.

Miguel is dead and I am so afraid of the dark. My family made my only day to feel special about them and what they wanted. They sent me a video of them blowing out my cake!!! So many fucked up things happened and I don't have anyone. All I had was you and you let me go. When I needed you most. When all I wanted was you and you to be here! You couldn't even tell me happy birthday. You're that bitter. You were the one that wanted to be friends. But we all know I can't ever be friends with people I'm deeply in love with. Or be friends with my exes. You know too much and I cannot bear the thought of being with someone who broke me into pieces. I cannot imagine being friends with someone who I'd wake up from screaming and having a panic attack when they are not there next to me sleeping. If you wanted to be in my life, you would've fought. I never provided for us financially but I always did emotionally and mentally. Romantically and in a wife kind of way. Everything you've given me, I'd flip it to give you. That's why my loyalty ran deeper because I was willing to ride and die for you. Take a bullet for you kind of love. Let you give me a baby to have part of you kind of love. Get a way with murder and be on the run with you kind of love. Make all the pain in your heart go away kind of love. Be your right hand co drug dealer kind of love, hide the drugs in my private parts kind of love. Give you head in the bathroom in my friends house and in the car kind of love. Let you know my whole entire body kind of love. Get drunk and find my way back to you every time kind of love. No matter how risky and dangerous I am kind of love. Black out and miss you kind of love. Cook dinner and stroke your hair and dick kind of love. Of course I miss you. All the time miss you. You'll always be my first. My first love. And I'll always love you, you'll always have my heart and be part of me. But you couldn't love me the way I wanted you to and so I had to leave you in the past. You didn't want to grow old with me anymore. And I'm truly sorry for making you feel like I needed you.

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