Never get too comfortable with someone that you rely on them to make you happy. No one is responsible for your happiness, to make sure you're okay. More power to those who do. Learning how to be alone without anyone there has never been so stimulating. It's hard for me to be involved in anything or anybody... not because I'm bored of them already again damn it!
My lifestyle is consistency moving around because everyday is a new day for me to be somebody else. My little counsel of my different personalities and creativity sides comes out. I don't sleep much because it's so important for me to do all of this. To act on my ideas, realism of my new identity. The most I've ever dedicated to myself was this brand, trying new things that I'm usually afraid of. I'm usually trying to outgrow the person I was yesterday. Every second, minute, hour, day, month and year, I'm trying to outgrow the old me to see my own growth. Stunt on myself because that's who I'm in competition with everyday.
My own enemy is myself, I'm so hard on myself because I want things to work out. I work day and night to get things done because I have so much time now. I hate not having enough time in a day 24 hours is just not enough for me... being lost in time because I'm grounded again, have a better thought process and having a better headspace is one of my favorite things. Being able to not look at the time and day, not knowing and living in the moment. It's the best feeling of love.
I want to finish all of my side projects and little hobbies while I can and well because I can. I want to be one of the few youngest entrepreneurs. I want to work at my own pace and speed. Of course working for people is what I have to do now because it's all trial and error. It's about learning everything about everything that I'm interested in. Being a chef, working another job as a mechanic while taking classes so I can apply my skills and knowledge from what I've gained in school on to the actual quality of work.
I want to have multiple degrees and certifications for everything, last year I got angry and ripped half of them, up. I still have my pharmacy assistant license, my hospital internship was what helped me graduate high school. I wanted to do hands on work instead of doing the running start program even though I would've graduated college even earlier. I wanted real life experiences. So many people doubt me and think I'm lying but look at peoples faces when I pull out a binder of all of my acceptance letters, my letter of recommendations from my teachers and professors. I work so damn hard just to finish on time even when I procrastinate or seem to give up at times. When I started believing in myself, when I become passionate about the things I love and want; that's the day I knew that believing in myself words that I translate into actions was the day I become unstoppable.
I like looking at all my accomplishments because it goes to show that I am capable of doing things, it not only shows others but importantly me that I'm more than capable of doing literally anything. How people have always viewed me as is a crazy person, someone who needs "help..." Sometimes, well a lot in the past I used to get really sad and let it get to me. Reality is I've already went through counseling, I did the whole therapy thing and talking to other people about my problems to find my solutions just got tiring. For me anyway, all of my therapists told me that they can't give me advice or solutions to work on because I take so much initiative for the things that are wrong with things, people and myself in my life.
I went to my therapy sessions, with a purpose. With the outcomes I want to make a reality. I'm so lucky, to blessed to be get the help I ever needed. It was my life. Going to therapy and all of those things, it taught me how to deal with my problems socially and even mentally. This, right here, right now is the best form of therapy. I'm getting my thoughts and emotions out. Bringing my grounded and vulnerable side out. I used to be so against being vocal, sensitive and to feel sensitive.
Usually I act like I don't care because it's literally the same things, having the same result. It was draining and tiring... But I'm very good at doing things in moderation these days. I'm being so productive all of the time. I love learning new things and being able to pass it on to others. I love having debates with others to see how they think (even though majority of the time I'm judging them because they're closed minded they are and continue to be).
I like being challenged mentally, I love the ideas of peoples perception of things that make them happy, that makes them sad or even sometimes I'm so in love with how people are able to remember things so precisely like me. Whenever I start talking to people and become friends with others, it amuses me when they're able to reflect my concept of ideas, new formalities. When they're good with questions, engaging in long and meaningful deep talks about life and everything else amongst those lines. Sober or drinking whiskey.
What I love most about people is how interested and how smart they are with keeping up with the million topics I have in mind. Just us both replying in the moment and at the same time. All the times I tried to end my life, when I did do it. I wouldn't be here designing and creating all of these new things in my life. I'm so thankful and grateful for being able to keep going. I'm so fucking PROUD AND HAPPY I made it out alive. I'm so fortunate to be able to have people who love me and helped me help myself.
I never knew how blissful it feels to feel so whole again. To be able to own an entire company, brand, and with a soon to be team of very talented, educated and driven others. I can't wait to decorate and find the right quality stuff, furniture, designing my own warehouse/garage and work on cars while still being able to sit down and do things like this. I can't wait to get the other website up too! Just strictly cars, how to maintain, fix, designing-engineering new effective engines. To just share that aspect of it.
Being a woman of color, having to strive better and aim for higher because it means I have to work 10x harder than everyone else, for my equal pay rate, my equal right. I can't wait to see where everything goes, to have a successful career, job, life, lifestyle, stable. Just to give back to those who weren't fortunate enough to have it. I care about bigger things than just materialistically. Money doesn't buy happiness, it sure does however make the world go round everyday.
Good morning world. 💙