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Lovin’ Me

I’m not sad or depressed again or anymore. I’m mad again for allowing people to hurt me, break me and get the best of me just ‘cos they know how to.

I’ve always been a lover, never a fighter. But I fight for what’s right, what’s mine. Earlier, when I was out, I put on my blue bandana. I was on a speed chase with myself.

What they gonna do? Rob me out of my own life? I’m not scared to die again. I’m already sick. I’m physically sick. Cancer and asthma. Yet I never took time to care. What’s the point? I’m 22, not going to waste time sitting here feeling bad for myself or having people feel bad for me.

I have the same kind of cancer/tumor that killed my grandma. I don’t like thinking and/or talking about it. I gave up treatment last year. I want to live my life while I can before it gets worse or before I die. I want to die knowing I did my best. I did everything I could in this life. I’m not going to kill myself or try to anymore.

THAT WILL BE FUCKING RUDE. It makes me truly sad; that my family and some “friends” never loved me or see my dreams the way I do. People leave a mark saying I’m crazy. But how can I be crazy when I know damn straight, I’m the most sane person ever? Is that what makes me crazy? I believe in myself and my dreams; my goals so damn much. My ideas of my future; goals and dreams sound crazy and out of alignment every fucking time.

I surprise myself and others every fucking time. MOVING OUT, BUYING A BRAND NEW CAR AT 18/19! Next goal is buying a damn house and graduating. I’m going to own every fucking car, so many properties. It don’t matter how I’m getting there but I will. And when I’m successful, rich and okay again; I will have an entire school I built myself. And you know what, I will give back to the middle/lower class.

I get the fucking struggle. I know what it feels like to be so fucking traumatize that I can’t even sleep most nights with my own damn demons! I know that it’s easier to nitpick my flaws and insecurities before people do it. I’d rather nitpick engines and fix cars, obtain that then teach others how to fix theirs. People doubted me to graduate just HIGH SCHOOL, getting my own place, my car.

I wasn’t trying to be a show off or whatever. Everything I WANTED WAS MY MONEY, my time management, effort and end goal. So no, I’m not settling for anybody or anything. I will give myself everything I ever wanted. Happiness, life and every fucking JDM car on my wishlist. And throw in a 1967 PORSHE 911. What they gonna do? Try to rob me again? Bitch I have a back up car.

I crave success so much I dream about it on days I do give myself time and space to SLEEP. I lucid dream when I want. I am in Japan these days when I sleep. I FEEL AND SENSE THINGS WHEN I DO SLEEP. My mind and the way I think, I’m so logical about every damn decision. How I speak and how I feel. To others, things have been planned. When I send paragraphs; when I make decisions. I envision myself in San Diego by next year; maybe sooner if I can.

I know people hear me; they see me. They feel me. I had sponsorships FROM CALI. I worked for people in Cali last year. No one believed it. But I did. The only thing is time repacking time; and atmosphere. All I ever wanted was the world to see me, feel me and hear me. And they will. I’m gonna walk down graduation next year! I’ll get MY AA for AUTO BODY MECHANIC. And I will get a whole damn certification; from the state of Washington and ANOTHER TO WORK FOR ANY COMPANY IN ANY STATE!

I‘ve had help; from Chu Ba. But you know what? The fucking drive is so real. People doubt me. A lot of them do. “You're a girl, your hands will get dirty, you have pretty hands and a pretty face.” One thing I’m not afraid of; part of this humanity bullshit is getting my hands dirty. It just means; I WORKED HARD.

I’ve been so sane. All my life. 22 years of life and being aligned. Alive. I learned from my mistakes and it’s a process. Everyday. I believe in myself so much. I’ve always taught myself awareness, humanity. I've always taken responsibility, accountability and initiative but no one did for themselves or for me.

Goodnight world.

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