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Loveless (pt.1)

I want to be loved better. I want to be held and consoled. I want to be understood when I speak. I want to be heard when I'm silent. I want to be taken care of; for once. I want cute dates. I want sweet surprises and long good morning texts. I don't want to waste my breath on someone who listens but cannot comprehend me when I'm expressing my thoughts.

I don't want to feel as if I'm not important. I want to be respected, cared for. I want someone who'll make me feel special... little things matter so much to me. I don't want someone to call my depression, my mental illness-laziness. I want someone to cater to my needs and make ends meet. Someone who won't make me feel like I'm alone. I don't want someone who is a narcissist, who manipulates every situation. Victimize and pity themselves. Gaslight me into making me feel and think like I'm the "crazy one."

I want someone who will make me feel beautiful and doesn't make me feel insecure. Someone who bring the worst side of me, out. Someone who doesn't feel the need or be needy of another women's validation and attention. I want someone to value me and cherish me. Someone who is scared of losing me and will do anything to keep me. Someone who will try to help me be happy. Someone who doesn't turn every conversation into an argument.

I want someone who will understand me when I express how I feel don't make me feel bad for having them.

I feel like when someone admits "you deserve better" then then they are undeserving of me and my love.

This isn't love. This is manipulation, this is toxic and draining. This is abuse.

I've felt love before and it doesn't hurt. It doesn't feel like a breakup or heartache while you are still with a person while still being committed to them.

If this is love, then why does it hurt? Why does it feel so painful? So bitter, lonely and empty. Love doesn't make you cry every night and day. Love does not make you question your worth as an individual. It does not make you feel like you can't trust someones loyalty to you.

I shouldn't have to ever beg for someone to treat me right. Beg for someone to be better. Someone to be loyal and faithful to me. I shouldn't have to beg for someone to respect my wishes. Respect me. I should never have to beg someone to do the bare minimum.

What is respected, cared for, loved for and valued; should be given.

At times I like to believe that there is forever. I believe that something can be successful and real. Often, most times I know this isn't what I want anymore. I do deserve better. I deserve something real-something genuine. Someone who doesn't accuse me of being unfaithful. While they are dismissive of what their true intentions are.

I love, love. I deeply believe that no one is deserving of me. Of my love. When I love, I love gracefully and solely. I can love past eternity and I think not many people can afford my love. Or even have the capacity to have the depth of the kind of love I have.

Regardless of how I feel now, I know in the end, this person will lose me forever.

I'm more than enough. Matter of fact, I'm too good for this person. In the end of the tunnel, there will be light. There will be happiness.

I lost myself in the vines of intimacy, attachment, devotion, disposition and deep affection.

I will find myself again, I've done it once and it will be done again.

I will be successful in finding the right person to love because when it's unconditional, there are no conditions. Why should I pour into a cup that has holes in it, that can't pour back into mine?

I will find better, but this person won't because I was the best. I was better. I am better.

All I wanted was to be loved correctly. All I wanted was time.

They say that the best thing you can give someone is your time; because that's something you can never get back.

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