It's 5:00AM again, I took few sips of my favorite whiskey. Needed to feel again and be able to still operate and function like a program in a computer or some weird device. I need to sleep, I need an appetite to eat these days. Sometimes I get so worked up in my own things I forget to take care of myself. At least I keep myself alive here and there; you know?
Haven't felt this emotional since my 21st birthday. The emotions, the way the universe moves. The way Planet Earth travels around the sun and the way the moon eclipses itself in front of my eyes. I can barely see. Is it bad to say that I'm not feeling this life shit right now and that I want to just start over again? The emotions feel so raw right now. I feel so numb and anxious to my bones. Caressing the floor with my two feet. I'm trying my best to keep going.
I've kind of been M.I.A.
Not literally. I post all day, I drop a pin then I flee. I play catch up with my own self sometimes. I hate feeling thus way. I act like I don't have emotions because I'm always in the "fuck it" mood. I wish I see myself the way others do. Today is one of those days again. I know I have a support system. And I told myself, I made a videos about beating my own demons and depression... but who is here right now but my thoughts and emotions? Me. I want to just get the fuck out of here. This place. My soul doesn't belong here. I know that the day I make it out of here alive...
I'll never look back or even flinch. I don't think I'll ever come back to this hell once I'm out. I know that a lot of others love me. But I have no business here. When I get depressed. I get real depressed. I try to enforce my own law. That the good will always outright the bad memories, thoughts. But I beg for mercy when I feel this way. I can't turn off my thoughts or emotions. In the back of my head, I still wonder where the fuck I went wrong. HOW THE FUCK DID AND DO I LOVE SO MOTHER FUCKING HARD? Why the fuck do I keep chasing after people who don't even give two fucks about me and how I feel.
From friends, family and everything else. WHY THE FUCK DO I LOVE SO FUCKING MUCH. I've always loved more, catered and did everything right by the book and yet love never was in love with me like I was in love with it. I'm alive for the world. Not really for me sometimes. I feel so drained. Not out of anything. I don't even want to keep going some days and nights and that's just me being fucking honest with you.
I give into everything and everyone. I've always been good to other people, but when will I ever be good to me? I put so much of my own things on hold for love. I would've made it further if I didn't. I crave so deeply. I just want something/someone consistent. I want it all or nothing. I'm a paradox. My world is very much black and white. I'm tired. I just want something real. I genuinely want something so real. I want my own creations and beings in this life. That will be the only thing that saves me.
I don't care about looks. I care about peoples soul and how someone will look at me when I look my worst. I just want someone to love me so much, they'll make sacrifices and change. I don't want to change and/or fix anyone or anything. I want someone to just do good by me. Whether or not I'm with them. I want someone who matches my goals and dreams. I want them to be so comfortable with loving me. I want someone who will give me a ring, married, real wedding vows, kids. And give me a life I've suffered without. I just want that.
I want late night drives, listening to my two thousand songs and be able to fall in love with someone over and over. Again and again. I want it to feel different each time. I want it to feel so good. Their energy and aura that I forget to work. I think I just want someone who'll give me consistent attention, love and affection. My parents were both wrong. Money does not buy happiness. Love is very much alive.
I mean look at my moms. She's still broken and damaged ever since my pops. From men in general. I never met someone so fucking cold other than that woman. I never met someone who is so love crazy and so manipulative. I've never got an I love you from her. She's suppose to be my rock and I'm suppose to be hers. But look at how much she failed to understand me, look at how she failed to love me in the way I want to be loved. I'm the reason why I don't sleep at night but I don't get quiet moments anymore.
All I have left are memories, broken promises, disappointments from others. Everyone has let me down. All I wanted from the roads and the world, the people in it was to be honest with me. All I wanted were people to be faithful and loyal to me without me ever asking them to keep it real.
Good morning world. 💙