We meet people that we are destined by fate to be love bombed by. Some people are really good people just not really friends or partners. But broken promises follow us in to the next realm of reality.
There are soulmates, soulmate friendships, twin flames, and karmic relationships/friendships. I like to believe that I've tried with those who I've given a chance to. Whether it be friendships or relationships. Almost every time, I outgrow those who I used to love more than anything even life itself. Those relations with so many highs, so many lows that it almost feels like a drug, something I'm far more addicted to than I'd like to believe. I give people the benefit of there doubt. I like to believe in second chances. I like to believe that I was brought into people's lives to heal them and bring them back to the light because I radiate more than just life but internal happiness. Although I don't think I've stayed happy for too long. At times I believe and deeply do that I was brought into life and on to this earth to serve others. That is my love language, I offer acts of service. The only thing that makes me feel happy any more is feeling like I've helped or change something in someone's life. Significant or not.
A lot of the times I punish myself for not being able to fulfill the broken and empty parts of someone. Am I not enough for them to want to do better? To be happier? To be more successful. Those are the times where I feel the loneliness. When I'm with or around those who I love the most and still feel the hollowness. Almost as if I robbed myself out of a good heart to be drained out of greatnesses. I don't like the feeling of guilt and regret. I try to think about every decision before I ever make them. The biggest and hardest thing I can't deal and mend with is knowing I FAILED.
Here's the thing with karmic relations. You constantly feel drained, exhausted and empty. A constant debt you have a due date to. SO many lifetimes where I feel as if a person is no good for me but I like to dive head first into the water thinking I can fix damaged goods. And maybe that's why I feel so numb all the time. Or maybe I'm starting to be more numb. I give so much because I feel like I owe people my dignity, my loyalty and everything else I am above. More than they can ever offer. All that love turns or will turn into hate and resentment because why should I feel so low for them to feel so high for making me feel so alone?
Everyone is a canvas, a project that I like to renovate but just like everything else, it becomes tiresome, boring and starts to feel more like a job than a hobby that I used to enjoy. At times I wonder if people are truly capable of being honest with themselves that they don't derive love. I love, love. I radiate in a loving environment. A loving vibration. Love is so many emotions combined. I want to feel as if I'm in love and not feel like it's something I have to do out of routine and a chore.
Who am I without Love?