What is it? Real love, and I'm not talking about the kind of love between family members or just amongst friends type of love. There's more than one, more than one kind of love. There's a huge difference between being in love, and loving someone or just being in love of the idea of someone. And not admiring physical attraction either. So many of us say we hate love and that we hate relationships yet we don't. We love, love. Who doesn't like having a companion or someone who is faithful and loyal to us? We love that shit.
We hate love and relationships because it makes us face the reality of our true selves. Our real selves. All the ugly, all the bad and all angry sides that reveal itself. The triggers, the unhealed trauma. That's what we hate. All the fucking unnecessary hurt and pain. We hate selling ourselves short. We hate giving more than receiving any appreciation, any love back... I don't think I've ever been in love. I don't think I truly felt what being in love really means, if I was ever really in love, I would've never fallen out of it. Ever. I don't believe being in love because I don't think anyone truly knows how to be in love. To be genuinely and completely faithful and loyal. I know that people lust for others. Being cheated on, if it was real then it wouldn't fold under pressure.
Most days I genuinely crave real love. I'm kinda just passing by, floating around. I don't want to settle for less. I don't want that half ass love. I crave emotional and intellectual intimacy. I want more than just sex. My mind and soul thrives kindness and gentleness. I hate harshness. I want to feel like my soul is at peace with somebody. I want to share a real unbreakable bond with somebody. I know I'm still young and there's so many other things out there else than love. I want someone who can lose their pride and ego and just stand down and hold me. I want someone to be gentle to me.
The love I mean by is when I can give everything to someone who can't give me anything at all. I have so much love to give. I want to give love but I always give more than I can get. My most toxic trait is not being able to accept love because it's never good enough. I've experiences so many types of love, everything was in pieces. So many flaws. It wasn't perfect. I want to invite love into me. Yet all the love I was profound to others, I didn't have enough or any for myself. A love where you ride until the wheels off. I've always been the giver and for once I want to be the recipient. I know exactly what kind of love I deserve. All I want is for someone to take naps with me, play with my hair. Eat with me and cruise around listening to my bipolar mix tapes with me. I don't ask for much.
I never do. I want someone to give me the confidence to trust again because it feels safe. Because it feels just right. There's other things out there. And since I was a little girl, I wanted to build the foundation of the kind of family I want. Even though I was raised in a toxic household where love was hidden or probably not there at all... I want a family of my own-one that never really existed. Where love comes in an abundance. Where emotions bloom like flowers. I think that's why I keep trying to find it, even at this age. I still search for the love I was looking for at a young age. There's a saying that you don't search for love, it finds you and sweeps you off your feet.
I have people waiting for me, lusting over me. I don't want to just be an infatuation to someones eyes. I don't want to be somebody's fantasy. I want someone to think of me and think to themself "damn she's everything I ever needed. She's someone I've prayed for." And just cherish the fuck out of me. Appreciate me, love on me like it's my last day. I want a love so real that it feels unreal. I want to be someones wife. Someones mother. I've been dreaming about it for so long. I've been ready but I was never ready for anyone because those love flaws. It's always flawed. Nothing is perfect but when the love is raw, real and just pure, it's already perfect. At times I find myself being mad envious of those who stay with their childhood sweetheart.
Then the truth comes out. People settled. For half ass love. Whether their partner is not the perfect painted image. Cheating, infertility, liars, and just narcissists that love bomb them and gaslight them. I've had that before. Now experiencing it again. I put others on a pedestal. I give them the benefit of the doubt, I believe in them more than they do themselves, I see potential in lost causes. In the end, they still question my character. That's the thing I hate most, is when someone questions my loyalty as if I'd switch up or fold. Everything and everyone I've given love to, it was so pure. That's the most pure thing about me is my morality. I think of so many case scenarios.
"How would I feel if I was doing what they did to me? How would I feel if I stepped out out of character and downgrade myself to their level?" I think so much about everything in every outcome. We make choices everyday. My world is so black and white that I forbid and refuse to ever be otherwise. I've had some past admirers that they "CAN'T" be with me because they truly don't deserve me or my love... I don't mean to be cocky but a love like this; is one of a kind. It's rare. I know the love I put out of the universe is irreplaceable. Everyone comes back, everyone searches for that same kind of love.
I feel like I'm going through a midlife crisis where I am craving this kind of love. I hope that all the love I gave away will come back to me. I'm so tired of loving. I want to turn off the humanity switch. For so long it was on, for so long, I felt nothing. I was numb and empty. Now I'd rather be numb and empty than be robbed out of love. I feel bad for my future husband or wife. They will have to pick up the pieces of me that they didn't even break, meanwhile everyone I've love became better versions of themselves because my soul healed theirs. Some didn't even have a soul. Yet I still nurtured them like they did. I want someone to love me to the full extent. To the maximum. I want to love myself and have someone to share that with. There's a part of my brain that completely shut off.
I haven't been myself for so long and it's like no one noticed. Everyone abandoned me, that kind of love is what causes my spite and resentment. How can I love someone through their worse but at mine, they abandon me. They scam their ways into to my life, gave me good memories, happiness just to leave me with all the bad parts of me. I want my mind, body and soul to intertwine with someone else. I want a soulmate. A real soulmate. Not a friend soulmate but a forever soulmate, until the end. Until the next life.