It's almost been three years since you took your life. It doesn't feel as hallow as it once did. At the same time, it doesn't get easier. Sometimes I have flashbacks of the memories we shared. The laughers make me reminisce how beautiful you truly were. How bright you made my world feel. You were an angel. My angel. I still wish I could go back in time to change what happened... Why you? And not me? I still drive to your site every now and then. I sit there and just miss you.
The wounds aren't fresh anymore but it still hurts. It still aches. I think you took a piece of me with you when you died. I don't think I'll ever be the same. I always panic any time someone doesn't respond. I'm afraid of what happened with you will happen again with someone I grow fond of.
Times where certain songs will play; I can be completely fine one minute then the next my heart is in pieces again. The hardest part was knowing you were drowning and I couldn't save you. You weren't the first death that I had to experience or even feel. You were the first suicide death I had to see. I had to bear the dark thoughts nights on end. It became worse for me. I couldn't sleep sober or with the lights off. I became more suicidal than I ever been.
I never knew that someone's death can impact me in ways that I did not understand. I didn't know that someone like you can make me feel the way I did. It's true. Depression does not have a face. You were so good at hiding it that we started believing you. No one understands that more than me. I wish you had the courage to just text me or call me that night. I wish I could have done more for you.
I miss you Miguel. I miss you all the time, I wish that I can just forget how you made me feel. I wish I can just wake up and forget you left me. I stopped chasing after you in my dreams because I knew you wanted me to let go. I know you wanted to find your own peace. I haven't seen you since. I know you are in a better place now.