You like the idea of me and my imaginary lifestyle and this picture I painted with our future and plans. But do you actually like me? Will you even know what to do when I have my episodes? Will you love me then when I'm not myself somedays? DO you even fucking love me Tina? Do you love anyone at all? Or do they just inspire you to be better and you think you love others but in reality you have no clue what the fuck it is?
You say you love others in ways they want to be loved. You like to be a sociopath. You study people like they are books. You watch their patterns, you observe them. You watch them sleep and which way they sleep, you check peoples breathing and heart rate and their pulse. You want to save everybody huh? You like being superhuman. But why the fuck can't you take care of yourself first? You say you love yourself, you're growing and finding self love and self worth then go bat shit crazy all over. By the simplest of triggers.
I'm gonna be honest and blunt with you right now Tina. Why do you do that? Why do you consistently need a muse or constant relationships with people..? Especially when they broke your heart over and over again? Why do you fucking give chances to people thinking they'll change or love you back this time around? They fucking don't love you dude. Move on, close that chapter. Stop caving in. Stop clearing out more room for people who left your life the first time!
These guys don't love you, these women don't either. You have mangled to get thus far ahead, why do you keep going backwards and letting your emotions spiral. What the fuck happened to all the progress you just made in the last few months on your own? You don't love yourself. You certainly don't respect yourself enough to keep holding on. Especially looking directly at the knives and guns that killed you once. You look directly at it on peoples soul, you look at it right in the eyes and you see their soul and exactly how they'd treat you this time around, yet you held their weapons at yourself this time.
I don't get you Tina. Why do you love people the way they want to be treated, why do you keep taking care of peoples wellbeing, hearts and mentality but not your own? Does it make you feel powerful? Does it make you feel like that's how you'd find your own love and worth? Through others? No one cares about you Tina but I do. I care about you. Let's fucking be honest. No one is going to love you the way I do.
You know and remember how many times you almost died and touched death. None of those people showed up. Not "friends" not "family." You already saw how empty that funeral/hospital room would be so empty... if you... never mind. You know all you have is me and yourself. Please stop giving into people. Their problems, their lives, stop trying to balm everyones pain and ignoring your own. Some people will only love you for as long you are there for them. They only love you because you give them a love no one else is capable of doing and once they get you where they want you, they will stab you in the back.
They will leave you; lifeless in the field. There will be no finding you again. I can't fucking lose you again. We can't keep reviving you every time you get like this. It's not safe, and it's not okay for you to be self destructive any time you feel like this. I get it. People don't value you, or love you in ways you crave and want. But it's not their job to love you back. What did you expect Tina? The world is mad and human beings, humanity itself is corrupted. It/they are the worst and selfish beings of them all.
They used you. Some for your body, some for your soul and some for your unconditional and unmeasurable love. Then they fucking left your ass! They did and you should let that hurt, all that pain go. I know it hurts, and it will always hurt, but reopening wounds hoping they won't bleed won't speed up your recovery or healing... Just do yourself and I a favor and just cut off all ties and close those chapters completely. They're all the same. And you're one in a million. You can't be regular with those who can't even see your worth and growth the way I do.
I love you, Tina; wipe those tears, delete those messages and memories. Sober up and get some rest. We have unfinished work and business left to do here before it's really your time.
Goodnight and sweet dreams darling. 💙