Updated: May 21
I realize what I crave is beyond what money can buy. Money can’t buy happiness. I choose to always stand this point because no matter how many nice or fancy things you buy yourself, at the end of the day, there’s no one to share it with. Everything is materialistic and superficial. I haven’t been feeling like my old self lately. Well I haven’t been depressed or tried to kill myself. You know? But I get random feelings of not feeling anything at all. Sometimes I get this urge to finesse my own success but who will I share it with? Who am I suppose to grow with? I used to think that it was possible to fall in love more than once. I used to believe that there is more than one kind of love that everyone suffices. Reality is. There is only one. When you love someone, the feeling just never goes away. I used to brainwash myself that I was in love with people but I just liked the idea of them. Maybe I only loved the substantial idea of them. Truth is, I’ve never really been in love.
So far I found myself being in love with myself. And it took me a whole lifetime to figure out what this all means. I refuse to let anyone rob me out of my own love and happiness. Come to think of it, we’re all selfish beings. Humans are the most selfish beings of them all. Even when someone dies, we only miss them because we miss the feelings they filled our voids with.
I used to crave love the way I never had it. Being neglected of it for so long since my childhood up to adulthood. I never met anyone that loved me the way I want to be loved. Sometimes I often wonder how I’m so capable of being so passionate and crazy about someone but they never feel that way about me.
Now it’s time to be selfish. For once I deserve my peace. I deserve all the love I’ve been trying to give everybody else.
I love you, Tina
You deserve more than all of the bullshit everyone has endured you. I’m happy you’re alive even if you feel like giving up sometimes. I’m proud of everything you accomplished even if you feel like it’s never enough. You will make a difference. You will live up to the day you get married. You will have you many degrees and certifications like you want right now.
Please be patient. Please be kind to yourself. Give things and people a break. What people fail to acknowledge about you and who you are, has nothing to do with you. You shouldn’t live up to other peoples expectations and standards, that is not your purpose or responsibility. Stop being so damn “crazy.” I know you’re tired, I know these past few nights have been hard but please for your sake and sanity, get some rest. You can finish the rest later this week. I will always love you.
Especially on days when you feel like you can’t do it anymore. No more dark days, no more sadness. Please, please don’t give up. You will own all the things you want. You will be an educator and a student for the rest of your days.
Stop letting these thoughts, these death anniversaries of your loved ones blur your vision of what your future holds. You are one of the strongest souls I’ve ever met. Love will always come around. Just be patient. You have enough love within you and everyone else but what about you? Can you just live? Can you just love you too the way I do? You are more than just a pretty face and nice body.
You wear your heart on your sleeve. You love so deep, so effortlessly, you love so unconditionally and tenderly. Let those fucked up people and past go. Let that hurt go. Stop trying to understand why people never loved you back to do the things they did. Stop wondering why you got cheated on, stop wondering why you were never good enough for anyone to love you through your episodes.
You know for a fact one day, when you fall in love with someone who treats you right, one day when your business, when your brand launches and becomes successful, you know one day when you receive that college diploma and get your Auto Body Technician/Mechanic certifications, that all those people who wronged you; will regret it. They will sit there and wonder why they didn't love you enough. Because to you, enough wasn’t enough because it wasn’t. You’ve always been capable of loving more. Your perception of love is not what you grew up without knowing the incredible feeling that comes along with it.
I've seen it. You hurt and feel so much pain because you just love too much, too fast, too soon. It’s finally time for you to do it for yourself. It’s time you wake up and fall in love with yourself again.
You deserve the world. You deserve all the fucking love you keep trying to give everyone else. One day, you will make a beautiful wife. You will walk down the isle with a custom made dress. You will have multiple just like you wanted. You will have Yoko and her babies along the side. You will have your best bridesmaids. You will have everything you been planning since you were a little girl.
You will have the family you always longed to have; you will have two kids, you will let them skip school just to fly in your private jet to go to whatever city in every country you want. You will have the perfect family you always dreamed of having. Things take time. Be patient.
You will get to fulfill all of your weird sexual kinky sexual desires. They do say depressed/suicidal people have a higher sex drive... you will get that right person to fuck you like a whore in the bathroom while your guests are drunk at your weird Jameson obsession bar and enjoying your confusing choice of food buffet.
You will have it all and more. You will live till the day your kids have kids and their kids have kids. I believe it. And already, your legacy and the empire you built in your youth is what makes you so fucking perfect. I love you more than anything else in this world Tina. Get some rest, please.
Good morning world. 💙