I don't want it. I don't want love, I don't want small portions of it. I don't want anything more or less than how people view me. I don't care about this living bullshit either. I don't care to live anymore... I coexist. I just live because I have to. I have people who depend and rely on me. But what the fuck do I want? Who do I want? I don't want any of this shit man, I've lost more than I've gained.
You know what love brings? It brings fucking pain. It brings unnecessary and inconvenience. Love is what drains and takes from you. You know how many times I got robbed by love? I don't even know what the fuck is real and fake anymore. I don't want to do this shit and I HATE HAVING TO FUCKING DRAG MYSELF OF OUT BED EVERY FUCKING MF DAY TO GET SHIT DONE COS I FUCKING HAVE TO.
I mean fucking think about it, I mean I really fucking think about my next fucking episode like the one I'm having right now and how I've kept myself busy or else I'll fucking try to fucking kill myself again...
Now here the fuck I am. It hurts, it hurts to the point where it feels so fucking hallow. There is no emotion, there is no nothing. Love took love from me. My loved ones. And no one fucking understands how many skeletons I keep in my closet or why I need to drink all the fucking time. Sometimes it just keeps the voices and memories out. It makes me feel positive emotions. And it helps me sleep. I just want to escape this life. I just want to black out and for once sleep and not even remember dreams or seeing these people that was once with me. These dreams aren't nightmares but I can't bare to see it. I don't want to.
I don't want to see the faces of people I loved so much be so long gone. I don't want to have dreams about my friends who passed away, or my family members that did too. I don't want to fucking see it and I don't want to see it anymore. Sometimes I think they're just setting a seat at the dinner table for me in heaven. Life is just hell on earth, it's this long long documentary of never fucking ending pain. Nothing terrifies me more than living and being alive.
It's time for bed now and I will see you soon; I hope.
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