Hi it me. “I’m just joookin.” Welcome back whores. Sorry for being absent with the website. I’m trying to get my domain back. I’m debating whether or not to transfer to a different site. With everything that’s going. “Nothing is going on.” On a real note, I’m so sad that I worked so hard to get my side hobby or hustle up again. I spent more than a year, editing, posting shoptsukuru.com
I launched my website/brand on Valentine’s Day of 2019. I was going to do it on my moms birthdate: February 21, 2019 or my dads: February 28th, 2019. Or just be extremely obnoxious and do it on leap year, last year was not leap year though. I wanted to launch it on February 29th so I can tell everyone I started my business 4 years ago. So it sounds and seems like I’m a young CEO/Entrepreneur in the business. It was all for me.
I worked so damn hard to make things work. To launch something I believe will change lives of other people. Y’all don’t even know how many messages I get in a day, people from all over the world, in other states or countries from all platforms telling me how my website/brand, me existing or co-existing has helped them. That it was people like me, person like me who have helped them survive, fight, just to simply live.
Y’all know how happy that makes me? I’ve been working on myself a lot. School, work, but lately I’ve been putting all my heart and soul into my own website/brand. I even made a different social-instagram just for “TSUKURU”. I wanted to do this for a long time now. And I have been working really fucking hard to make it into my reality. It would be nice to have four sources of income soon. Two are really just my career/job. My job is to finance my goals and dreams into a reality. But soon I’ll have my mechanic career that I’ll be in school for.
And two are just side hustles, hobbies. I enjoy writing and expressing myself whenever I get down or just happy. I went from writing and journaling/blogging for 11 years to making it my life.
Before I really become a real adult, I’d like to publish all my journals when DEPRESSION, ANXIETY, PTSD, BI-POLAR DISORDER, MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES damn ate the person I used to be. All mental illnesses relate and connect. I want to express and share with the world how bad your mentality can determinate and deteriorate your entire brain and heart.
By the summer time comes, I’ll be even more determined to bring my creative side out. I want this website to be as different as possible. I’ve made a blog, forum. Soon to have household, custom handmade arts and crafts. Clothes. All of that. I want to see where this all goes. Soon I’ll be married to the streets in my BRZ again. Same year or maybe a newer edition. It was my dream car, my first one at the age of 18. I paid for it myself. I pre-ordered that mother fucker. I worked extremely hard for everything that I have/own. I moved out when I turned 19, when I first started college.
I was never as fortunate as others with the help of family when I was younger. I don’t mind it much anymore. It just gave me the mentality to work harder. To value adulthood. I’m only 22 but sometimes I be stressing out like I’m in my late 40s. Ain’t that some shit? I’m already an old soul. I’ve lived through every down-fall. Every accomplishment. And I don’t want my only accomplishment to be a high school graduate.
School ain’t meant for everyone. But I want to be the best. Best at everything. Best version of myself.
I need to take care of my soul. I need to catch up with myself and let myself breathe and really just take care of myself. At the same time; I want my focuses and muse to be the right thing. I don’t want to lose myself in the process of loving other people anymore. “I wasn’t myself for a long time and no one even noticed.”
Everyone thought I was being crazy, maybe I was trippin because I’ve suppressed everything for so long. Then it hit the surface and there was so many dark thoughts, dark emotions. And dark days. I call my suicidal days my dark days. I was contemplating suicide for so long. For the past 11 years or in the past. I wouldn’t do it now. “That would be fucking rude.”
I’ve lived through the dark days. All my contemplates, all of my actions, all those days and nights in the fucking loony bin. Days on end in the ER because I was sick. Sick sick, in the fucking head and psychically. I would throw up blood and have bloody noses everyday because I used to abuse the fuck out of alcohol and sleeping pills.
For 11 years. That was my reality. That was my life. And I hated how I’d get really fucking depressed. Nothing hurt more than people telling me to seek for help or getting professional help; because I did. I’ve gotten professional help but the depression never went away.
I’ve taken antidepressants at certain points of my life. It just got really weird and led me to the point of addiction. I have an addictive personality so of course I tried to OD on happiness even so it was artificial. Some of those pills are just water pills with no benefits. I ended up in the emergency room my freshmen year at 15!!! I was with someone who was abusive and used to put his hands on me. I felt like I couldn’t leave. I wasn’t in control or had my own life. And I’m so glad I left. I’m glad he ended up getting my best friend at the time pregnant. I’m glad it wasn’t me.
I’m glad that horror chapter closed. I’m glad I beat her fucking ass. Out of respect and how dare they for throwing disrespect on my name. How dare she come to school with hickies on her neck to tell me that it was my boyfriend at the time?!?! That’s when I learned the humanity switch off. That’s when all emotions and all thoughts just shut off. I did what I had to do to not feel. It’s so easy for me to think I’m falling in love. But it’s also so easy for me to forgive people who broke my heart.
All I wanted to do was grow with people because I see how broken they are. I see all the potential they lack in seeing for themselves. I honestly don’t regret any decision, choice or anything I’ve done for people. I don’t regret anything. I’ve lived, I’ve died, I FUCKING SURVIVED!!! Through everything. When I kissed death countless of times. There really is a heaven and I saw it. It was peaceful.
“Maybe life is hell on earth. That’s why they say Rest In Peace because life after death is blissful. Peaceful. Heaven is just heaven.”
Wait fuck. Sorry don’t fucking kill yourself after reading that. I’ll really fucking beat your ass if you fucking die on me. Look at how far I’ve made it. Look at how I chose to deal with life in my life even though life wasn’t fair to me all of the time. I’m so fortunate to survive. It wasn’t my time to leave yet.
I have a purpose now. May it be a new one every waking moment and everyday. I’ve learned that things do happen for a reason. Even through it all. The reason was for me to live. The reason for all of those episodes and stages in my life was purely self growth, self love, self happiness, self confidence.
My purpose today is to share the positivity I’ve been feeling lately. The happiness, the abundance of just wanting to live. Wanting and craving for the next day to come to me. Another day to see what’s next, what’s new, the endless laughters, conversations and smiles I’m going to receive from strangers, my friends, my family. From me, myself and I.
I don’t want to spend my life being regular. I don’t want everything in my life to be a routine. I don’t want to spend so much time trying to be different then end up fitting in being another regular. I have different personality for different things in my life.
People bring out different sides of me. Whatever I feel is what we get. It’s not fake. It’s learning how to work with my different sides and vocabulary with different people. Maybe one person who is lucky enough will know the real me. All sides of me. I’m eager to know who that will be in the future. But I’m in no rush.
I still have a million things to do. I have to start a new life in a couple years. I need to focus on myself, my career, my dreams. I need to manifest everything I planned. Moving out again for the third time. They say third times a charm don’t they? All alone, I will do it on my own again.
I don’t want to feel like I owe anybody. I’d rather struggle alone than be well off with others. I like things a certain way. I have bad OCD anyways. It came from being so depressed and having so much anxiety.
Times I’d reorganize my entire room and home five times at 3AM then put it back to the way it was. Then do it again. I know where everything is, I know how things are organized. All my ideas, thoughts and feelings are well organized. I like having mental documents of everything. That’s why I create so much content. With my pictures, videos, website/brand and journaling skills.
“TSUKURU” means create in Japanese. At first I wanted it to be “Create a Life” but it was too long and harder to pronounce. So I wanted something that was more simple and minimalistic. Everything that has, have and will happen within TSUKURU 💙 will be life.
It will change the world, the thoughts and emotions of not only my own but other people. If I had the choice to be good in this lifetime other than bitter and angry. I’d choose to be good. Hopefully I don’t end up getting killed for this shit.
Let’s be real the good ones go soon because of how much good they express and give to the world. The community. So I really hope I don’t die from creating or wanting to create world peace. Time to set up all my locations and say I’m in a different country and hack my own devices. Catch y’all in traffic.
Good morning world. 💙