Alone (pt.1)

Updated: Nov 7, 2021

Never thought I’d ever feel like this again or be in this position. I never thought I would ever feel like this again. I just feel so alone in this shit. I’m just so tired of pretending I’m okay or acting like shits sweet. Ain’t shit sweet about mfs taking me out of my character. Questioning my loyalty. Mfs act like I wasn’t there when they ain’t had shit. I been there and still here. Mfs love to do me grimey and play victim. That’s cornball energy. I’m tired of running into damage ass souls and trying to be heal mfs who obviously need to fucking seek real help.

I’m tired of mfs treating me like I’m regular. Tired of people coming in to my life. Love bomb, give me a feeling I never felt before and not be able to maintain that fucking energy. I truly believe I’ll never meet someone like me. I love and hate how I love people who can offer nothing but shit. I keep allowing it. How can I complain something that I settle for? I never met anyone that was honest, real and just loyal. Just to me. From family to friendships and even relationships. Mfs be on some half ass fake love. No one is good enough. As much as it feels lonely. I’d rather be by my lonely than give up any good parts of me to any more wrong ass mfs. Speaking on my name like I wasn’t the friend, the girlfriend and daughter that fulfilled their empty voids with love and reassurance. I refuse to settle. If I never find a me for me then so be it. I’d rather be alone the rest of my life than feel bad about myself. Crying myself to sleep every fucking night. Blaming myself wondering why I’m not good enough to make them stay. I’m so tired of everything. Everyone taking and never giving. I’m tired of feeling suicidal every day. Feeling like I’m trapped in a nightmare I can’t escape.

I’m so tired of trying to just surviving and not really living. I get up and try everyday and it just seems like it’s not enough. Sometimes I think it’s better to be dead than it is to be alive. I won’t have to feel. Feel like I’m already dead. Numb and empty. Loveless and lifeless.

Your 20s are supposed to be the best years of your life. I’ve been buried for 24 years.

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